Monsters Inside Me
by The Dark Knight's Princess
Summary: Alex Cabot has a problem. She's used to being in control of things and she hates it when she loses that control. She can't tell anyone about her problem because they might think she's crazy, but what happens when her problem starts putting those close to her in danger? Mainly Alex centered but there is some a/o for all you a/o shippers
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So…I've been having trouble with my other stories lately. The way I deal with that is publish all the other ideas I have swarming around in my head and use them as relief stories. That way I have several different things and motivations to work on. This came to me with the help of a friend and is going to be written with that friend. Well, if you guys think it should be continued. I'm not abandoning my other stories, I'm just in a rut, and this is how I deal, enough of me randomly. I hope you guys enjoy our little potential story. It all depends on your guys' reviews. Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: We don't own any of the unoriginal characters. The original characters are in fact ours.**

**Alex's POV**

I am usually a very calm person. It isn't often that I completely lose my cool and lash out at someone. Even when we are dealing with a criminal, I find myself able to hold it together despite how I am feeling. This is something that I actually consider a gift considering what I do.

There are very few things that I can actually say make me, happy, for lack of a better term. One of those things and probably the first thing is my girlfriend Olivia. She's just amazing in every way possible, and I would be here for hours if I actually listed all of her amazingly lovely qualities. I love her so much sometimes it hurts. I feel like we can tell each other everything.

Sometimes though, there are things in our lives that just cannot be told often because they don't make any sense. Hell, it doesn't even make any sense to me. I'm not entirely sure if I can explain my situation to where it would make sense to anyone. That is why I have yet to say anything to anyone about it, especially Liv. I'm terrified of what she would think of me if I told her. I'm not afraid of what she would think of my situation, I'm afraid that she wouldn't even believe me, and some how, I think the latter is worse than the former.

My situation is…It's something very uncommon to be honest. I've only actually heard of it happening once, but that was in some twisted story I had to read in college. I never thought that something so fictional and weird could happen to me, but I think it does. I'm pretty sure it does, there's been evidence that it does.

I'm not sure if _she_ has a name. I'm sure that she does, but that is something I have yet to find out. I mean, it isn't exactly something I can ask, you know? We are never around at the same time. I really do wish that she would go away though. Every time she comes, I worry about the things that she does and the people she interacts with, but there isn't anything I can do. She is her own person, and I can't really do anything to stop her. I wish there was though.

I don't consider her a person. I consider her a monster, because that is exactly what she is. I know she has hurt people, but who she has hurt I can't say. I never know who it is, but I know she has. I'm afraid of her hurting Olivia one day, and I won't be there to stop her. I don't know what I would do if she hurt Liv, it would tear me apart.

She isn't around all the time, and that is something I am thankful for. If she WAS around all the time, I couldn't do my job, at least I don't think I could. She's only around during the night, as far as I know and right now, that's okay.

Okay, well her being around at all I'm pretty sure ISN'T okay, but as long as she is, she doesn't need to interact with people in my daily routine. Who is she? Well actually, I don't know. Like I stated before, she's a monster, a monster that I can't seem to get rid of. Is there something wrong with me, most likely, but it isn't as if I can get any help for my situation. No one would believe that this is happening.

10:04 is always the time it happens, the time that she decides to make an appearance. I always try to make it a habit to be away from anyone I know at that time of night, but that is beginning to become extremely difficult. Olivia always wants to spend the night with me and that would be more than okay if it wasn't for _her_. I always have to come up with some excuse such as "I'm working late." Or some other lame cliché excuse on why I can't be there at night. I can tell it's hurting her, and it is actually beginning to hurt me as well.

I suppose you all are tired of waiting for me to fully explain what I'm referring to. Who she is, what the hell I am talking about, etc, etc. I know I have sort of been rambling, but like I have said before, this isn't an easy topic for me to talk about. I suppose that I will have to show you rather than sit here and waste more of your time. But I have to warn you…well, you'll see.

I sit locked in my office refusing to come out. There is not way in hell that I can leave with all this work that needs to be done. I have to try to finish what I can while I still have time. I know this is putting a lot of people at risk with me staying her like this, but I really need to finish this work.

I glance at the time and see that it is 9:54 and I am no where near finished. My conscience is telling me to leave, but that ambitious voice in my head that I have is telling me to stay and get the work done. Maybe I can get done in ten minutes and then just make a mad dash for my car. Or maybe it won't happen tonight.

Just as I'm about to continue to rush through my work, my coworker and friend Casey Novak steps into my office. On normal circumstances I wouldn't have a problem with chatting with Casey, but right now really isn't the time. I feel like there is no way that I'm going to be able to get out of this.

Casey smiles and takes a seat in one of the chairs across from my desk. "What are you still doing here? It's really late…I think you should consider going home." She says nicely.

I mange a smile and look up at her. "_You're_ still here, and I was just finishing up some work. That's all." I glance at my clock and see that it's 9:57. Casey needs to leave in the next seven minutes, I have to find a way to subtly get her to leave. Soon.

"Yeah, I was just finishing up a few things for myself. I actually have a late date with Abbie, so I'm going to be heading out pretty soon. But, do you need anything? Lately I've noticed you've been stressed a lot. Do you need help with any of this so you can get out of here faster? I think I have a little time to help you if you want."

I quickly shake my head and glance at the clock again. 10:00. _I'm running out of time. _"Casey you need to leave." I say suddenly standing from my chair. She eyes me strangely and slowly stands.

"Is something wrong Alex?"

"No! No, nothings wrong. You just need to go. Now." my breathing is becoming erratic and I know for a fact that I'm running out of time faster than I've anticipated. I'm trying to fight it with all I have but I don't know if I can. I don't want it to happen now, especially while Casey's here. This can't happen. Not now.

Casey notices my change in behavior and cautiously puts a hand on my arm. "Are you alright?" she asks, her voice laced with concern. I involuntarily slap her hand away.

"Leave!" I shout startling her. I take one last glance at the clock and see that it's now 10:04. I can feel myself slipping away, but I'm trying to hold on to reality for Casey's sake. My vision is blurring in and out as I try to fight it. I can still see Casey staring at me with a frightened yet concerned expression.

"Alex are you sure that you…" she starts but quickly trails off. I vaguely feel myself forcefully grab her arm, in such strength that I recognize isn't my own. "You should have left when I told you to." I hear my voice but they aren't my words. That's the last thing I hear as everything goes black. I've run out of time.

**What do you think? Should we continue? Leave a review. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: we're gonna be toggling between different POV'S of this story, but not too much to where it will confuse you. Anyway, it'd be great if you guys left reviews to let us know how you think this is going. But thanks to those who have put this on alert! Anyway, thank you guys for reading and we hope you enjoy this chapter! **

**-Ali x Tara **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Lila's POV **

The name is Lila, and as you should be able to tell, I have absolutely no remorse for anything and not a care in the world. I do what I want when I want and I don't give a damn about what anyone has to say about it. It's not like anyone ever knows who I am anyway. No one ever really knows the real story.

It angers me that I have to share. I've never been one for sharing, and I definitely do not like it when I have to share a body, an appearance, and a name. I just wish I could stay around forever; my life would be so much easier that way. But _she_ is almost always getting in the way of me trying to live my life.

I am so fucking tired of Alexandra Cabot it's not even funny. It's not even fair that I have to share with the likes of her; I mean obviously she isn't as good as me anyway. I just wish that she'd go away.

Whenever I do something somebody almost ALWAYS says something like "Aren't you Alex Cabot?" blah blah blah. For some reason I allow myself to go along with it. I feel like it's a lot simpler living my life as her than it would be as myself. Too many repercussions to deal with later on.

If someone actually took the time to look, they would be able to tell that I am not Alex. My hair is probably a good two shades lighter than hers, and while her eyes are an icy blue, mine are a dark steely grey. But, obviously no one ever takes to time to look.

I'm interested in women, and only women. Every time a man even looks at me it makes me want to snap his neck, I've actually come close to doing so a few times. One thing that is irritating is the girlfriend I know that Alex/I/We have. Since _I_ didn't make a commitment to anything, I feel like I am free to do what I want with whomever I want, whenever I want. Like I stated before, I really don't give a damn.

But I digress, I love women and the only thing I love more than women is being in control. I've always been dominant. However, my definition of dominance is only slightly altered to the rest of society. I thrive off of being in control of anything, especially anyone. It pleases me.

Like at the moment where I have a certain frightened redhead pinned against the wall of Alex's office. Casey is so innocent it's almost adorable to me, and believe me, I hate using words like adorable. I can tell that she's frightened, yet confused and it makes me want her even more.

I grip her wrists tightly and hold her firmly against the wall. I hear her breath hitch when my thigh finds its way between hers, and it makes my smirk widen. She's scared, and that's usually just how I like it.

After a moment of staring into her frightened eyes I dip my head and press my lips against hers. She starts struggling and I kiss her harder in an attempt to still her. I can tell she's a fighter. _Great._ I pull away and bury my face in her neck. Lavender…probably one of my favorite scents.

I laugh lightly when I hear her whimper after I bite down on her knew repeatedly. You would think just by looking at Casey that she wouldn't be this vulnerable and…weak for lack of a better term. Maybe I scare her.

"A-Alex please…please stop. I have to go to Abbie she's..." she screams when I bite harder than intended at the mention of someone else. I think I actually break skin.

"You're a really beautiful woman you know that?" I purr in her ear.

"You need to stop. You have Liv, and I really need to be somewhere. Just stop." She states with more confidence than to my liking. She begins to struggle with me again and I realize she's going to be more of a challenge.

I take both of her wrists in one hand and bite down on her lip as my free hand moves to massage her breast. "Liv won't know, and I'm sure Abbie won't mind if you're just a little late, hm?"

Somehow one of Casey's wrists gets free of my grasp and she's able to shove me away. And believe it or not she actually slaps me! I can't believe it! The little bitch actually slapped me! NO ONE, slaps me.

I hold the side of my stinging face which I'm positive probably now has a reddening hand mark. I growl in anger and resist my urge to lash out and hit her.

She's glaring at me and trying to compose herself. I can tell that she's still a little scared and uneasy but I can see that she's angry and upset.

"I don't know what the hell your problem is but you need to back off. I'm going to leave now but you need to get it together." She says sternly.

My scowl forms into a satisfied smirk. Maybe some things aren't as easy as they look. Obviously I was wrong about Casey, and I'm not _usually_ wrong about anything. Go figure huh? I usually get what I want in these things, not a literal slap in the face.

I rub the side of my face and straighten my posture, in an attempt to bring myself back together. I still cannot believe she fucking slapped me. "Do me a favor sweetheart and say hey to Abbie for me, yeah?" I grin and lick my lips as she shakes her head and leaves.

Leaning against the desk I laugh to myself and glance at the time. I sigh and run a hand through my perfect hair knowing I probably don't have whole a lot of time. At least, I don't have as much time as I would like. It just isn't fair. I hate my 'living conditions' and I just want to be my own person. I wonder what it would be like to be me twenty four hours, seven days a week. Not for a few hours.

Then sometimes I wonder what is like to be Alex, to live her life, to have her friends, to have her everything. I can't help but wonder how much she knows about me. I'm pretty sure I know more about her than she knows about me. I bet she couldn't even tell you my name. In fact,I bet she even calls me a monster, am I right? She probably denies that I even exist. But I'm as real as real can get.

Despite my dream of being classified as my own person I guess I'm still technically Alex. I'm the part of her that she doesn't like to deal with. I'm the part that she attempts to keep locked away in a crate. I guess you could say that I am her 'inner demon'. That sounds so cliché doesn't it? But that's who I am. I'm her dark side.

I am sick of being 'the other half'. I want to be able to live my life in its fullest and not just for a few good hours. I need to do something about this so I can have a life of my own and not have to share it with someone who can be classified as a modern day princess. I, Lila Garrison, need to get rid of Alexandra Cabot. _For good. _

**Feed back appreciated. Positives please! Leave a review. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks to all of those who've put this story on alert! Here's another chapter for all you faithful followers! Hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Alex's POV **

I wake up the next morning with a splitting headache, but I guess I'm sort of used to it. That's usually how these engagements go anyway. I don't remember anything from the night before, I wake up with a massive headache, and I try to go on about my day and try not to think about what may or may not have happened the night before.

I sit up and glance at the time. _7:30. _Great, I have a headache the size of Texas and I'm late for work. I can tell that this isn't going to be a good start to my day already. Maybe I'll get to see Liv during lunch, I think that'll probably help. We haven't really seen much of each other lately because of work and I feel like I'm dying inside. I miss her.

I'm about to get out of bed when I notice a note folded neatly on the pillow next to me. Frowning I pick up the paper and try to make out the neatly written cursive on the sliver of paper.

_Thanks for a wonderful time last night. Maybe we can get together again soon, maybe? Call me ;) ~Jenny _

I groan and crumple the note before sinking back into bed. This isn't the first time this has happened. I'm just thankful that they're usually gone by the time I wake up. It wouldn't exactly be easy trying to explain 'Yeah, I don't exactly remember sleeping with you, because it wasn't me to begin with.' I have enough issues already.

Every time I wake up and find out that _she _has slept with another person it makes me sick to my stomach. I know because it's not me that's doing this, it isn't technically cheating, but to me…It's cheating. I'm supposed to be in a committed relationship, not out sleeping with random women every week. It's unfortunately another thing I have no control of. Apparently _she _has an over capacitated sex drive.

After gathering up the strength and desire to get up, I finally drag myself out of bed and prepare for work. It takes me nearly half an hour to get everything together because of my sluggishness. It takes even longer for me to even get to the office because of fucking traffic. Not to mention my headache still hasn't gone away.

I trudge up to my office and throw myself into my chair. I'm seriously considering going back to sleep. I don't even know why I bothered to show up, I don't feel like working.

Finally after a few more moments of being counterproductive, I realize that there are a set of files that I need to get from Casey, so I can actually finish then, which means that I actually have to get up and leave the quiet sanctuary of my office.

I step into Casey's office and find her scribbling on her legal pad. I stand there and watch her a moment before I clear my throat and make my presence known. "Hey, do you have those files that I need?"

She jumps a little and drops her pen. Her eyes focus on me and I can see her inching her chair away from her desk putting as much distance between the two of us as possible. She's looking at me like she's afraid of me, which is really strange.

"Y-yeah…I-I do…Hang on." She mumbles and starts looking through the things on her desk while glancing up at me every now and again as if to make sure I haven't moved. "Here." she hands me the files.

"Thanks." I say. I'm about to leave when I stop. Casey is still staring at me like she's terrified to even be in the same room as me. I'm curious as to what her issue with me is.

"Casey, are you alright? You're staring at me like I'm going to attack you."

"I wouldn't put it past you…" she mumbles, still not even blinking.

My eyes widen and I'm not exactly sure what's she's talking about. Why would I attack her? "What do you mean you 'wouldn't put it past me'? What are you talking about?" I ask.

She sighs and rolls up the sleeves on her jacket. I gasp as I see deep purple bruises surrounding her wrists. She sees my reaction and then moves her hair to the side and shows me the various bite marks on her neck.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?"

"You mean you _don't_ remember attacking me and molesting me in your office last night?"

I'm pretty sure that I pale at least three shades, and I'm already pretty pale to begin with. Of course I wouldn't remember, because it wasn't me. I knew this would happen sooner or later, but I never thought that _she_ would have absolutely no remorse as to where she'd hurt someone close to me like this. Obviously she doesn't care if she ruins my life.

"I…did that to you? I am so sorry…did you tell…"

"Abbie? No, she would kill you. I promise if I had told her you wouldn't be standing here right now. But what I want to know is why you did this. I've never seen you act like you did last night. Why?"

I open my mouth but my words don't come out. I wish explaining to her would be as easy as it sounds, but I can't bring myself to say anything. There's no way that Casey would believe me.

"I wasn't feeling like myself last night." Well at least it technically isn't a lie. Casey raises an eyebrow and gives me a quizzical look.

"Why does it seem like you hardly remember? Alex, were you drunk last night?"

"NO! No, I wasn't drunk…I've just been having issues. It won't happen again." And with that I quickly leave needing to be alone again. I vaguely remember being at the office last night around nine thirty but I really can't anything that happened. It's all just a big blur.

For the rest of the morning I remain in my office and don't talk to anyone. I think back to the bruises that I saw on Casey's wrists. Whoever _she_ is, her strength obviously exceeds my own. There is absolutely no way that I could grip someone hard enough to produce bruises of that color.

Around noon I hear a knock at the door and I mutter for them to come in. After the morning I've had I really don't want to deal with anyone. I'm thoroughly surprised, however, to see my loving girlfriend grinning at me from the doorway.

"Don't sound so happy to see me." she says offering me that notorious lopsided grin of hers.

"Hey you. What brings you by? A warrant?" I ask automatically going into work mode. For some reason I'm having issues turning that off lately, maybe that's why I'm stressed. Aside from…you know who.

Olivia feigns hurt and clutches her heart with her hand. "Alex, I'm wounded! I can't believe that the only reason you think I would come see you was for work! Since when have we done anything work related in this office?"

I blush and shake my head. I move from my desk and let her wrap her arms around me. God I miss this. She hasn't held me in so long that I can hardly even remember when it was. I'm so screwed up, it's a wonder I can even remember my own name.

"I miss you." she whispers placing a kiss on my forehead. I try to hold back unwanted tears as I rest my head on her shoulder. I really don't deserve a woman as amazing as her. She could do so much better, like be with someone whose normal and not a freak. "Can we do something tonight?" she asks after another moment of silence.

I nervously chew my lip, "What time?"

"I don't know…seven maybe? I never get to spend the night with you and I haven't seen you in forever." She leans forward and captures my lips in a soft but passionate kiss. I moan into the kiss as I pull her closer. God I miss this.

She pulls away and smirks noticing my sudden flushed composure. She knows just how to tease, and I think it amuses her turning me on and then leaving me hanging. It's such a cruel thing to do. I suppress a pout and nod my head.

"Great, I'll cook us dinner." I offer. For some reason I feel like I'll be more comfortable with us staying in tonight rather than having to worry about going out. It just feels…Safer.

Olivia smiles and kisses me once again. "Great, I'll bring wine?" she says raising an eyebrow. I nod my head and peck her on the lips again.

"I'll be waiting. Now go, I have work to do, as I'm sure you do as well detective."

"You're a cold woman you know that counselor? But I love you anyway." She says chuckling before pulling me against her once more. I wish we could just stay like this forever.

I'm just enjoying the feel of being in Olivia's arms when we hear a throat clear from the door way. We pull apart and turn to find a smirking Abbie Carmichael leaning against the door frame. "I swear, you two are worse that two horny teenagers." She says with an exaggeration to her usually southern drawl. Liv laughs and I pale feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable.

"Nice to see you too Tex. Anyway, I was just leaving. I'll see you tonight Alex." She kisses my cheek before departing. I avert my eyes to the floor and immediately move to my desk and take a seat.

"What can I do for you Abbie?" I ask still refusing to look at her. After what I apparently did to Casey last night, I just can't bring myself to look at Abbie with out slightly fearing for my life. Is that a little weird?

Out of my peripheral vision I see Abbie raises an eyebrow at me curiously. "Alex, what's up? I've never seen you so anti social, especially around me. Did I do something?" she asks, her voice laced with concern. I quickly shake my head and suddenly become very interested in the things that clutter my desk.

"Sorry, I've just had a lot to do…I've just…yeah. But in all honesty, what are you doing here?" I ask, hopefully not sounding to distant and maybe even a little afraid. I'm really starting to feel nervous as I try to get the images of Casey's bruised wrists out of my head.

Abbie simply grins and sits down in one of the chairs across from my desk. "I just wanted to ask your opinion on something…I think I want to ask Casey to marry me." she says quietly. I widen my eyes in shock and I swear I've heard her wrong. The same woman…who I thought was anti marriage, is talking about getting married. Mind fuck.

I look up and plaster a believable smile across my face. "Oh my goodness Abbie that's great! What made you decide?"

"Well, we've been together for a while and I really love her. I lover her so much that I really think I want to spend the rest of my life with her."

"That's amazing, I'm really happy for you." I say biting my lip. I silently pray to everything that I can think of that Casey never lets her know what happened. I'd lose so many of my friends and I'd have to worry about explaining my secret.

I know that _she_ takes a liking to people, but it scares me when she gets specific. I remember last year, I woke up next to the same woman for almost three and a half months. Since I know that she didn't get exactly what she wanted from Casey it worries me that she might go back for more.

After a nice conversation, Abbie stands from the chair. "I'm going to stop by and see her. Do you think you'd want to join us for lunch later?"

"No…I really have a lot of work to do but thanks for offering."

"Well alright. Take care of yourself okay? If you anything at all you know you can call me. I'm here for you Lex." She says nicely before leaving. I sigh and rest my head on my desk. It doesn't really hit me until just now how tired I really am. I force myself back into my work and try to think about my planned evening with Liv, instead of…_her_.

* * *

My evening with Olivia is amazing. We had a nice dinner and now we sit cuddling on my couch. I try to keep reminding myself to be mindful of the time, but I some how keep forgetting.

"I love you so much, you know that?" she says running her fingers through my hair. I lay my head on her shoulder and kiss her cheek. "I love you too baby."

We basically spend the rest of the evening making love. She drapes her arm over me and pulls me against her. It isn't until she starts placing light kisses on my shoulder that I actually realize the time. 9:57. _Oh no. _How could I have been so reckless and stupid?!

I scramble out of my bed not even bothering with my clothes. "Olivia you need to leave." I say, my voice filled with panic. She quickly gets up and walks over to me.

"Alex, baby what's wrong?" she asks. I can tell that I'm worrying her but I really need her to leave.

"Nothings wrong." I say as I quickly putter around the room throwing her clothes at her. "You have to leave. Right now." I say with as much confidence as I can muster. I can see the pain and hurt in Olivia's eyes, but I just can't risk having her here when this happens to me. I saw what she did to Casey…I just can't risk anything else.

Olivia dresses but continues to try to calm be down. "Alex, will you please just tell me what's wrong?" she pulls me into a hug. I shove her away, and back away towards my bathroom. Just go! Please!" I shout pointing to the door.

I see Olivia's eyes widen as I scream at her. She slowly nods and moves towards the bedroom door. "Alright…I'll leave…But please tell me what's going on later? Okay?" she asks softly. I quickly nod my head and frantically point towards the door. Not soon after she leaves, I hear my front door clothes.

I quickly rush around my bedroom and search for a piece of paper and any sort of writing utensil. I have to find out what her name is and I have an idea. My vision starts blurring and my heart rate increases as sloppily scribble on the piece of paper. I am barely able to make out my note that reads: _"Do you have a name?"_ before my vision blurs completely. My head suddenly becomes very heavy and I feel a sharp pain before everything goes black.

**Hope you guys enjoyed. Feed back is needed! Please leave a review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you guys so much for reviewing and following. It really means a lot to us. So…a present for you! Another chapter! Hope you enjoy! Also, let us know what you think of Lila. But before anyone says anything, she's supposed to be sadistic and harassing. There's a reason for that. Anyway, Happy readings! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Lila's POV **

I come to in the bathroom, and half dressed. By the looks…and feels of it, Miss Cabot was entertaining a guest. Honestly, she knew I was coming, couldn't she have at least dressed up for me a little bit? Guess some people just don't have their manners.

I shake my head to un-cloud my vision and that's when I notice a piece of paper crumpled in my hand. Frowning, I unfold the note and find handwriting that only slightly strays from my own.

_'Do you have a name?' _

I smirk at Alex's little note that she's left me, but then my smirk fades. Why the hell could she want to know my name? What does it matter? Oh well, I suppose telling her won't hurt. I quickly scribble down my response and leave it where I know she'll find it, before I busy myself with finding something to wear.

Finally I decide on something eloquently fancy. I feel like Alex at least owes me something. And it's her credit card, not mine. Why not treat myself to a late night dinner? Who knows maybe I can even pick up another lady friend while I'm at it.

One thing that I can say is an up to this whole 'other half' deal is that people know Alex. It's not like she is a complete no body and to top it all off, she has money. And money is always a big plus in any situation.

"Miss Cabot, it's lovely to see you again. Is the good detective not joining you this evening?" the waitress asks me as I am seated. I smile genuinely and shake my head.

"No, she had a prior engagement. But thank you for asking."

She nods her head and prepares to leave before she stops and looks at me as if she's examining me.

"If you don't mine me asking, did you do something different with your hair? It seems a bit…lighter if you ask me." She wonders. FINALLY. It's about damn time someone notices this. However, I can't let her know that I'm not Alex.

"It's probably just the lightening. It looks a different shade in different lighting. Most likely an optical illusion." I reply smiling. The waitress nods and goes on about her business leaving me to examine my menu.

The waitress returns with a glass of wine, when I spot Casey and Abbie having dinner at a table across the restaurant. I smirk into my wine glass as Casey and I make eye contact but she quickly looks away. Oh this is going to be so much fun.

As I saunter over to their table I can see Casey getting paler and paler with each step I take. My smirk turns into a grin and I almost laugh at her uneasiness, when I reach their table am greeted by her girlfriend.

"Alex! Hey, what're you doing here? Are you here alone?" Abbie asks smiling up at me.

"Just enjoying a nice dinner. And Olivia had work related things to do so she couldn't be here. Just me myself and I." I'm pretty damn good at lying if you haven't noticed.

"Oh, well would you like to join us?"

I glance at Casey who briefly shoots Abbie a look before I take my seat next to the nervous redhead. She slowly and subtly tries to inch her chair away from me but she doesn't get far. I internally laugh at how uncertain she is around me. If she had only complied last night, this wouldn't be an issue.

"So Abbie, how's work going for you? Serena keeping you on your toes?" I ask trying to start up a distracting conversation. As Abbie begins talking about work I place my hand on Casey's thigh under the table, causing her to jump slightly in her chair. She turns to me with her eyes wide and I just smile, remove my hand, and turn back to Abbie's story. God, this is going to be fun.

After another few moments of the three of us engaging in conversation I place my hand on Casey's thigh again stopping her mid sentence. It takes everything I have not to fall over in a fit of laughter. I gently and mysteriously walk my fingers up and down her leg until she stands suddenly. "I'm going to the restroom. Excuse me."

Abbie stares after her in confusion while I growl in frustration. And just when I thought she was warming up to me. I guess I'll have to try a little harder then, won't I?

"I don't know what's gotten into her today. She's been distant all day. She won't let me touch her, and now that I think about it she's barely looked at me at all. I wonder if I've done something…You didn't tell her I was thinking about marrying her did you?"

I raise my eyebrow at the new found news but I'm able to hide my surprise and just simply shake my head. Obviously this was something she had discussed with Alex while I was away. "Now why would I do a thing like that and ruin the surprise?" I say with mock hurt.

Abbie relaxes a bit and nods her head. "Sorry…I just don't know what's up with her. If she tells you anything that sounds important can you let me know?"

I nod my head and take a sip of my wine. Like hell I will. Who do I look like, Dr. Phil, the marriage counselor? I don't think so.

After another few minutes Casey still hasn't returned from the restroom and I can tell Abbie is starting to get a little more than curious. "She's been gone a while. I'm going to go check on her." she makes a move to stand but I stop her.

"I'll do it, it's fine. Maybe I can even find out what's bothering her." I say with a smile. I mean come on, why would I miss another precious opportunity alone with my favorite redhead? Maybe we can even finish what I started from last night.

I enter the restroom and find Casey gazing at herself in the mirror. It isn't until I'm all the way in until I notice the bruises on her neck. Damn, I didn't realize I had bitten her THAT hard.

I walk up behind her and place both hands on the sink of either side of her. "What're you doing in here all by yourself? We were starting to worry about you." I whisper, lightly nipping at her ear.

Casey spins around prepared to say something, but as soon as she does I pull her into a kiss and quickly shove my tongue in her mouth. She is taken surprised by the kiss and is still for a moment before she shoves me way. Gee, Déjà vu.

"What the hell is your problem?! Why are you acting like this?!" she shouts at me.

I roll my eyes. "C'mon, do you know how bad I want you? We're in here, no body has to know."

"My _girlfriend_, who I happen to love very, very much is sitting right outside and I don't think of you like that AT ALL. I thought you were my friend, but if you're going to continue to spontaneously harass me like this, I don't think we can even be friends."

I take a step closer and prepare to say something when I see Casey's hand move out of the corner of my eye. Before she can slap me again I catch her wrist in my hand. Last night was the first, and the last time anyone is going to slap me.

My scowl darkens as I grip her wrist and slightly bend it back farther than I know it should go. She has absolutely no idea I can snap her wrist like a twig. It's quick, easy and simple. I can tell that I'm hurting her and to be honest it's actually bringing me some sort of pleasure.

"Alex, let go…you're hurting me." she begs me. I bend her wrist even more and watch as she fails at trying to pry my hand away. This is starting to get pathetic.

I pull her close and chuckle darkly into her ear. "You should know by now Casey that I'm the kind of woman that always gets what she wants." I release her wrist and exit the restroom. With out second glance at Abbie or anyone else I leave the restaurant feeling like I need to find a new conquest for the night.

It doesn't take me long to find a bar, and it doesn't take even longer for me to find someone to flirt with. She's bubbly and I'm almost pretty sure that she's drunk out of her mind. The drunk ones are always fun too, their hormones are all over the place.

"You…are one sexy woman you know that? So much power…I like it." she slurs into my ear. I laugh partly because I'm turned on and partly because I know this girl is smashed. "so why don't we go back to your place and you can give me my sentencing? I've been a very bad girl counselor." SMASHED.

I finish my drink, take the girls hand and head for the exit. I should probably find out her name by the end of the night. I mean, I know I'm probably not going to even need it in the future, but might as well try and _act_ polite for the time being.

I expected to come to the bar to find someone to play with tonight. I even expected to find someone that was a little more than drunk. But what I did not expect was that I would run into Detective Olivia Benson on my way out.

Her eyes widen as she looks between me and the bubbly drunk girl on my arm. I see her hand involuntarily move to rest on her gun. She finally focuses on me and frowns. "Alex, what the hell is going on?"

_I don't know why I care but, fuck this isn't going to be easy to explain. _

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	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: We aren't particularly proud of this chapter. We feel like a lot went wrong. Well we hope you guys like it! Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Lila's POV **

I probably look like I've seen a ghost. For once, I cannot come up with an eloquent response and/or an explanation for my situation. This is a moment that I actually WISH that Alex was here, so this could be her problem and not mine. I mean, it technically is her problem. She's the one that has the girlfriend, not me.

I open and close my mouth a few times due to my inability to come up with a response. Olivia shifts her gaze from me to the girl that is still standing next to me.

"You…beat it." Olivia says darkly. The girl raises her eyebrows and cockily puts her hands on her hips.

"And why should I have to listen to anything you say?"

Olivia scowls and moves her jacket to where her gun is visible. The girl glances at the firearm and then at me before she quickly heads off down the side walk. I huff and run a hand through my hair. And there goes my playmate for the night. Damn it.

"What the heck is up with you? First you freak out for some random reason and then not tell me, then you practically throw me out, and NOW I find you leaving a bar with a random drunk chick. Why?"

I look away and shrug my shoulders. I don't see why it matters to me anyway, if I ruin this relationship it won't effect me. But for some reason I find myself unable to total destroy it like I know I have the power to do so. Weird.

I chew my lip and shift my gaze to the ground as I try to appear as innocent as possible. What's wrong with me and why am I suddenly caring?

"I wasn't going to do anything if that's what you're thinking. It's just super hard to explain."

"Then why don't you at least try?"

I scowl and look away. I really don't have time for this. "Can we talk about it tomorrow?" I ask hoping to leave this as Alex's problem. It's her issue, not mine.

Olivia eyes me for a moment before she reluctantly nods. "Yeah alright, do you need me to take you home?"

I quickly shake my head hoping to get her to leave. She stares at me for a moment before she sighs and takes my hand. "Just be careful okay?" she kisses my hand and goes on about her business.

As I make my way back to the car I can't help but feel a sudden burst of anger and hatred. I'm approached by a man who has obviously been drinking a bit too much. I'm no where near intimidated, but I can't express enough on how I hate men.

"What's a pretty lady like you doing out here this time of night?" he asks invading my personal space. I roll my eyes and do what I can to ignore him. No such luck.

"So you don't talk much? I bet I could make you." he puts his hand on my arm. I look down at the hand and smirk. This guy has absolutely no idea who he's dealing with. I grab his wrist and snap it instantly. Really. He has no idea.

* * *

**Alex's POV **

The morning I wake up I am more exhausted than usual. It makes me wonder what she was up to last night, but I quickly dismiss the thought as I remember that I have court this morning.

I get out of bed and notice the slip of paper I wrote on the night before sitting on my bedside table. I quickly pick it up and unfold it and I'm surprised that there is actually a response written.

'_It's about time you ask something about me. I was beginning to think you forgot that I'm here, but I know you could never do that right Ali? My name is Lila since you were wondering. There's something that I know you fail to understand Alex, I'm not going anywhere. In fact, I want a life of my own, and I am determined to get that.' _

I read the note over and over again trying to convey what's she's just said. It doesn't surprise me that she has a name I guess, but it does surprise me that she's determined to take over my life, and it's scary to think that she possibly can.

I immediately think back to how much of a hurry I was in to get rid of Olivia. Should I have just told her what my problem is? Should I tell her? Should I tell her why? Will she believe me? Will she leave me? The questions are endless and I just can't bring myself to take the chance to find out the answer to any of those things. I'm scared.

I'm the kind of woman who needs to be in control of a situation, and since I've clearly lost control of this, I don't know what to do.

I was always taught by my mother to stand strong and stand up for myself but all that was ruined when I was fourteen. It's something that I just can't seem to come to terms with and something that I've continued to denied that it happened. Not even my mother knows, and I tell her everything. Maybe that's why I have Lila. Because of what happened.

Finally I shake away my thoughts and realize that I don't have very much time before I'm supposed to be in court. I know that Casey is going to kill me if I leave her hanging on this. I remember last time I was stuck in traffic and she had to go through my opening arguments. That was not fun.

I'm glad that there is no traffic this morning so I am able to get to the court house in no time. I'm actually a little early believe it or not. Score for Alex! I sit in my car for a moment and then I suddenly remember how exhausted I am. I rest my head against the steering wheel and try to compose myself.

Finally I stride into the courtroom in my usual confident posture and take my seat next to Casey at the prosecution table. She doesn't acknowledge me and continues to go over our notes. Cold much?

"Well good morning to you too." I mumble as I take out the rest of the needed paperwork.

"I should have you arrested." She says without looking at me. My eyes widen and I stop looking through the paperwork. I have a hunch that Lila has something to do with this. This is exactly what I was afraid of.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I say trying to dismiss the subject.

"Oh I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about." She slams down her pen and glares at me. "You of all people should know about harassment and abuse, am I right Alex?"

My mouth drops open at Casey's statement. How the hell does she…There is no possible way she could know! No one knows! She's bluffing, she has to be.

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on Cabot, I'm not an idiot, I found the file. The case went cold and was never solved." Casey's voice is low and almost threatening. I look away and suddenly become very interested in my hands. She does know.

I'm about to say something when Donnelley enters the courtroom and we are asked to rise. As we do Casey leans over and whispers "By the way, Abbie is looking for you." Well isn't that lovely.

All through opening arguments from both us and the defense I can't help but space out on the fact that Casey knows my secret. Well she knows ONE of my secrets. I'm also a little afraid at the fact that I now know that she told Abbie about what Lila did. Of course she think it's me, there technically isn't any evidence that says its not, other than my word.

"The defense rests your honor. Your witness." I vaguely hear the defense attorney because I'm almost halfway asleep. Casey pokes me in the side and alerts me to know that it's my turn to speak.

I stand and prepare to ask my first question when Liz interrupts me. "Miss Cabot, if you are going to fall asleep in my court I suggest that you either wake up or hand down your questionings to your second chair." She says coldly. I nod my apologies and proceed to question the witness.

My questions grill the witness probably a little to hard, but I know that I'm getting everything I need to convict the scum that I know for a fact raped eight little girls. I know that I've got this case in the palm of my hand; I just have to get through the rest of the trial.

"So, is it true that you know…" I begin by find myself unable to continue my sentence. It's suddenly becoming very hard to breathe and I try to speak but it feels as if my words freeze in my throat. I sink to my hands and knees and try to breathe but I can't. I can't breathe and I can't speak so I can't even ask for help.

It's not until I feel the heavy headache coming on that I know what's happening. This can't be happening now! It's just barely mid morning! It's no where near noon! Why is this happening now, of all places? This shouldn't be happening now. It can't.

A yell escapes my throat as I feel two sets of hands wrap themselves around both of my arms. I can hear Casey and Liz talking but it sounds as if my ears are clogged and they sound very far away even though they are standing right above me.

I shriek and rip myself away from them as I try to fight this internal battle that I only I know is going on. I can feel half of myself in reality while the other half is in the pitch black darkness that I've become so familiar with at night. I can feel Lila's presence and she's fighting me with everything she has.

_"You aren't getting off that easy." _

I internally hear my own voice but it sounds twisted and sadistic and I know that it isn't me. I start screaming for her to stop, not caring whether or not anyone else is witnessing this.

After probably several minutes of me screaming and yelling I finally feel Lila being suppressed and her lashing out in anger inside as she slips back into the mental crate I try to keep her in.

I'm on the floor panting as my vision becomes clear again and I realize that the entire courtroom is staring at me in shocked silence. I look up and see both Casey and Liz standing over me with worried expressions. I do the only thing my own mind is telling me to do. I bolt from the courtroom not listening to Casey and Liz calling after me. I have to find Olivia.

**Well there it is. Let us know what you think! Leave a review! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This chapter was hard for both of us to come up with and it took a little longer than expected to agree on some things but we hope you guys enjoy! Happy readings!**

**Warning: Semi dark themes ahead in this chapter. **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Alex's POV **

I call Olivia's phone four times before she actually answers. It makes me wonder if she's too busy working or if she's just ignoring me. That is until I find out that she's not at work and that she was trying to catch up on some sleep. All the more reason for me to feel even worse about calling her.

As I arrive to her apartment I can't quite figure out what it is I'm going to say. I'm more afraid of her reaction than I am of actually telling her. What if she doesn't want to be with me anymore? I don't know what I would do without her.

I stand outside the door for probably a little to long because I soon find her opening it and staring at me in confusion.

"How long were you standing there?"

I simply shrug my shoulders and stare at the floor. Thinking about what happened at court not even hour ago, I feel like I don't have the right to look anyone in the eye. I'm so broken and messed up that I don't even know why I'm here any more. All I've apparently done lately is cause problems.

Olivia sighs and gently leads me into her apartment. Obviously she can tell that I'm practically dead on my feet right now. I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm scared, and most of all, I feel like I'm violated all over again.

She sits down on the couch and stares at me. I still haven't exactly looked at her all the way yet.

"Alex, what's wrong? Over the past few days you haven't been yourself. Talk to me baby." She says softly. Tears form in my eyes and I squeeze them shut trying to keep my tears from spilling over.

She waits for a moment before she slides across the couch and wraps her arms around me. I rest my head on her shoulder and take a deep breath finally becoming comfortable that I am in fact myself right now.

"Liv, can you promise me that even after what I am about to tell you, that you won't leave me?" I ask quietly, my voice cracking at the thought of her leaving.

"Alex why would there possibly be a reason for me to leave? I love you."

"I-I know…I just…Please just listen to what I have to say." I say. After a moment and Olivia doesn't say anything, I take that as an incentive to go on. I take a deep breath and try to calm my nerves. I've never told another living (or even dead) soul this story. Casey just so happened to be snooping around old cold case files and she just so happened to find out, but no one else knows. I steady my breathing, find words, and begin.

"Twenty three years ago, a girl was kidnapped while she was on her way home from school. She didn't feel like waiting for her mother to pick her up, and the thought of riding a school bus, public bus, or any other form of public transportation was just utterly repulsive so she figured she would just walk, it didn't seem like that far, and she knew that she knew the way anyhow, so what problems could there be? She didn't see her attacker, until it was too late. By the time she had comprehended what had happened, she was already unconscious.

The next time she came to, she found herself surrounded by think stone walls, and it was cold, damp and murky and frankly she thought it smelled of death, so she quickly deduced that she was in a cellar. She was terrified but she tried to remain strong, that's what she had been taught by her parents. She noticed that her attacker was watching her every move. He had set up camera's and he would communicate with her through a intercom.

After the first week, she began to wonder if anyone was even looking for her, if anyone even cared that she was missing. Shouldn't she have been found by then? She wasn't sure, but she felt like no one was looking. It wasn't until after the first week that the beatings started. He would beat her so badly sometimes that she had no choice but to succumb to unconsciousness.

Six months after her abduction, he started raping her. He was completely relentless and it was as if her screams were only spurring him on. Over time he became more vicious with his assaults to the point where she just wish he'd kill her.

She took note that he would say things like 'You'll pay for your father's sins', 'now your father will understand my pain' and other things having to do with her father. Her father was a highly successful lawyer and she knew that he had enemies.

It was only a year that she was in captivity, but to her it felt like more. She was only able to escape due to a mistake that he had made. But because she had escaped does not mean that the terrors and consequences escaped her.

Her father ended up divorcing her mother because he blamed her for their daughter's abduction, that and the fact that he felt like the whole case was going to ruin his reputation and image, so he found his out by leaving. Before he left however, he used his power, money, and influence to keep as much of it out of the media as he could, but of course some information had slipped through the cracks.

The girl struggled to try to gain her life back. She wasn't comfortable with even sleeping in the dark, in a room by herself for the longest of times. She didn't talk to her mother, her sister, or anyone else for what was probably months. She hadn't told them how she had been raped repeatedly. She felt dirty, ashamed, and broken.

When she turned sixteen, there was a change. She felt as if she was mentally split in two, and sometimes she found herself talking to herself. She felt angry, destructive and hostile while at the same time that she was still scared, ashamed and lost. Her mother and sister tried to get her to see a therapist, but she refused. She felt like she could fix it herself.

As for her kidnapper and rapist, Eric Baldwin, after he found out that she had been found, he erased any trace of evidence there had been of him ever being in the state. He quickly became a vapor in the win, and to this very day twenty three years later, he has never been found.

That girl, who had turned into a young woman, became so angry and outraged that he hadn't been caught, that he had just gotten away with abusing her. After a while, the built up anger and rage became so much to where it eventually split itself in two and created a whole other person. That whole other person had evolved into a monstrous alter ego that she found herself soon unable to control.

As she tried to contain that alternate personality, it only seemed to get worst and it appeared more often until it became strong enough to fight back, and finally it took upon a life of its own, using her like a parasite would use its host.

Although she was living with this monster inside her, she had vowed that she wasn't going to let anyone fall into the same situation as her. From then on she decided that she wanted to be that best damn prosecutor there ever was out there in search for justice for those special victims. And that is why that broken girl from twenty three years ago, is now currently the senior assistant district attorney for Manhattan's Special Victims Unit."

It isn't until I finish my story that I realize the tears now pouring freely down my face. I also notice that Olivia is shedding tears of her own. Seeing her cry only makes me break down in sobs. She pulls me close and starts running her fingers gently through my hair.

"Alex, why didn't you ever tell me this? I could've…would've been there for you. I may not understand exactly what you went through but I could've been there. And I'm still going to be here. I promise you that I'm not going anywhere." She assures me. I'm full on crying now unable to bottle my emotions any longer.

"But you don't understand. She hurts people, she harasses people, I don't know what all she's capable of! She's a monster…I'm a monster…"

Olivia tucks her fingers under my chin and forces me to look at her for probably the first time this afternoon. "You are not a monster, do you understand me? You're stronger than this, and you can beat this. And I'm going to be there with you." she finishes her sentence with a soft kiss to my lips.

I sigh and rest my head on her shoulder again and just let her hold me. While I've opened up to Olivia about what's going on, I feel like not even half of my fears have been faced. I still have Lila to deal with. But Liv says that I should talk to someone, like a doctor or a therapist. That's something that I'm going to have to mull over a little bit. I'm not sure if I'm ready.

I spend the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon just snuggling with my girlfriend. I love that she was able to put me at ease by just holding me for a while. For those moments I felt like all of my problems had melted away, but in the back of my mind I know that it is only for the time being.

By the time I actually make it back to the office it's almost one. It's a little vacant so I assume either everyone has either gone to lunch or just left for the day. I check my phone and see that I have about a thousand missed calls and they're all mostly from Casey. She was probably wondering where I had gone, and why I had run away like I did. I have way to much explaining to do in one day.

I start to feel really uneasy again as I start to feel my darker inner self trying to come out again. I'm completely and solely focused on keeping her locked away right now and it takes practically my full, utmost attention to do so. You know that moment where you're sewing and you're trying to stick that think little thread into that tiny little hole on the end of the needle? It takes THAT much concentration if not more, to keep Lila locked away during the day. Especially since she's a fighter, and a pretty strong one if I'm not mistaken.

I just stepped into my office when I feel n arm wrap tightly around my arm. I spin around and find myself face to face with Abbie, and whoa does she look pissed. Oh yeah! I remember Casey did say she was looking for me. Oh no...

"I know why you're here but if you'd just let me explain…"

"Let you explain? Right, because I'm sure that you wouldn't be sexually harassing my girlfriend for no apparent reason right?" she questions darkly. She backs me against the wall and puts her hands on either side of my head preventing me from escaping. I feel like a sitting duck.

While I feel like a sitting duck, and am most definitely feeling threatened, I quickly realize that Lila is feeling threatened as well. When someone is physically and emotionally in danger, they go into fight or flight mode. While I would most likely try to run away from a fight, Lila would definitely fight back.

And since I had lost my focus for a split second, that's what Lila is doing, and she's winning. I strictly realize that Lila is coming out to defend herself since I am obviously not doing so. Like a light switch, everything goes into a quick complete darkness. Abbie really has no idea the kind of danger that she just put herself in.

**Hmm…Let us know your thoughts! Leave a review! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: This chapter is…mainly a filler. It'll lead up to something, we promise. Hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Lila's POV **

My heart is racing as I barge into the restroom and head straight for the sink. I mumble darkly to myself as I watch the water in the sink turn a bright red and then a faded pink as I wash the blood off of my hands. Lately this has become more of routinely habit for me.

People need to learn not to get in my face, touch me, or anything else that would inevitably involve me lashing out at them. If I feel like I'm threatened, I am going to fight back. Obviously Alex wasn't going to do something, so I took upon myself to come out and take care of things on my own. After all, this is my body too, and I have every right to defend myself. I'm not just going to sit back and do nothing while Barbie is too afraid to fight back. Pathetic.

Once I'm comfortable and positive that I have erased enough of the sticky red substance from my hands, I turn of the sink and stare deeply in to the mirror. I've never been around during the day before, so I'm a little less than thrilled about having to deal with this. I'm guessing I'm going to have to get used to it, if I'm wanting to live my life day and night.

Usually I'm not able to find away to break through Alex's mental/emotional barrier during the day time, but for some reason she was weaker today. I know that it probably takes a lot of focus for her to keep me inside and today thanks to…unwanted but yet taken care of distractions, she was able to lose that focus.

I sigh and start trying to fix my slightly disheveled appearance. I wouldn't want anyone to suspect anything now would I? Of course not, but then again, it would once again be Alex's problem. Not mine.

I'm hoping that Alex really doesn't have anything important to do today because I have every intention of leaving. I need to start figuring out this 'daily' routine thing as opposed to my usual 'nightly' one. However, I can't help but feel like I can't be as aggressive during the day, as I am during the night. Not an added bonus ladies and gentlemen.

Retrieving the car keeps from my coat pocket, I am preparing to make my haste departure when a cell phone rings. I pause for a moment before I realize that the ringing is coming from my other pocket. Great, now I have to deal with who ever it is on the other end of this phone call, and nine times out of ten I'm probably not going to know what they're talking about. Maybe if I just don't answer it, they'll go away.

After probably several minutes the wretched ringing hasn't stopped and I finally end up yanking the phone out of my pocket. I glance at the caller idea and notice that it's Casey calling. S much as I would love chatting with her, and believe me I do love it, I don't really know if answering it would be the best idea at the moment. Plus, I'm not even sure how Alex answers her phone anyway. I glance at the ringing object for another moment before I make the spontaneous decision of answering.

"Cabot."

_"Thank god, I've been calling you for the past three hours! Obviously you are not alright. Where are you?" _

"I am…just leaving the office actually. I'm not feeling to well so I'm going to head home."

_"Well obviously… Look, will you tell me what's going on? Something is going on with you Alex and as your friend I want to know so I can help you. Will you talk to me?" _

I pause for a moment and for a millisecond, I feel something that probably is just a sliver of guilt. But just as soon as it's there, it's gone even faster. I sigh and run a hand through my hair, a frustration habit that I know both Alex and I share.

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't know." Okay I admit, not the best and eloquent of responses but it's what I got. I hear Casey sigh on her end of the line. Obviously she didn't favor my answer either.

_"You're really impossible you know that? Just…talk to me okay? I just want to help." _

"Thank you…I suppose."

_"By the way, have you seen or talked to Abbie at all today? I keep trying to call her but her phone keeps going straight to voicemail." _

My eyes widen for a moment as I dig the other cell phone out of my pocket, checking to make sure that it's still off so I know it won't ring and all the calls are in fact going straight to voicemail.

"No, I haven't. She probably forgot to charge it or something. You know how she is. Listen, I've got to go alright? I'll talk to you later." I say trying my best to get her to end the phone call and not sound too suspicious.

_"…okay? Like I said, please talk to me. I want to be there for you but I can't do that if you won't let me in. Just talk to me. Bye. _

I hang up the phone, stuff it back into my pocket, and heavy a massive sigh. I probably have just gotten myself into a whole bunch of trouble, but I'm sure that I can deal with it in the long run. There is hardly ever something that I can't get out of.

As I'm leaving, something else crosses my mind, something I haven't thought about in ages; my whole reason for existence. It's something I haven't thought about in forever because it's so graphic and I've tried on several and multiple occasions to push it out of my mind. It must have been something Alex had recently been thinking over, and then I wonder if it means she's told someone about me.

My damned phone starts ringing again and this time I answer it with out looking to see who had been calling to begin with. I hear Olivia's voice on the other line saying that she knows how she can help me, and that everything is going to be okay. My worst fears have just been confirmed.

I feel myself start to panic and it is a feeling that is completely foreign to my body. I never panic, it isn't in my nature to panic, panic is something I simply DON'T do. I don't even think the word is even in my vocabulary. I open my mouth to respond but something inside me snaps, and just like that, I'm gone again.

**Once again, mainly a filler. But before you all go jumping to conclusions, just know ****that everything is not always what it seems :3 Leave a review! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thanks to all of you guys who have followed/favorited/reviewed! Love the support. Keep it coming! This chapter mostly centers on Alex's emotions and how she's dealing with things. **

***Dark themes are visited here again***

**Also, special note! Thanks to some prodding from my co-writer *glares* this chapter does introduce an original character that I have in fact used in two of my other stories. If you have read any of my other stories then you shall recognize her, and you may like this persona as opposed to the other. For those of you who haven't read those other stories...Hope you like this character. We intend for her to stick around for awhile. Anyway, peace and happy readings!**

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Alex's POV **

It has been a good two days since the incident in the courtroom with Lila. Strangely since then she hasn't showed up at all, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It makes me wonder if she's in hiding or if she's just planning something. It's starting to scare me.

Olivia has been nothing but supportive ever since I told her about my abduction. She keeps trying to get me to talk to Huang but I'm not sure that I can. It's not because it's him, though. To be honest, if I HAD to talk to someone it would most definitely be George, but I just don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. Even though it was twenty something years ago, I feel like I'm still afraid and want to handle this on my own. So that is exactly what I am going to attempt to do; handle this on my own.

Two days ago, on that same day, Lila just so happened to attack Abbie when she cornered me in my office. I knew that was going to happen and I am thankful that I remember the incident for I probably wouldn't have found Abbie tied up in her office with a nasty head gash. If she wasn't so disoriented, she probably would have tried to rip my throat out, but I'm glad I was able to apologize and convince her to let me explain.

So that is why I am sitting in front of a currently concerned Casey and a scowling Abigail. I've thought this out, and I've even talked to Liv about it and she said since it actually affects them too, that I should tell them. They're like two of my best friends so I think they definitely deserve to know what's going on.

I haven't really done anything except probably open and close my mouth a few times and stare at the table. I don't really know what to say. I can tell Abbie is getting more than impatient, but Casey is surprisingly giving me all the time I need. That's really nice of her considering all of the things I've…Lila has done to her.

I sigh and decide that I've avoided this long enough and I'm going to have to tell them everything if I want them to trust me.

"So…I know both of you have been more than curious and are wondering why I haven't been myself lately…"

Abbie scowls at me and doesn't move a muscle. "Damn straight we're wondering why you've been attacking people." Her voice is filled with venom causing me to subconsciously shrink down in my chair. Casey rests her hand on her girlfriend's shoulder and I see Abbie visibly relax.

"What Abbie means is, we are very concerned and as your friends we would like to help."

"Friends don't bash other friends' heads in with desk lamps Case…"

"Abbie!"

"Well I was simply just saying that she…"

"Enough!" I slam my hand on the table halting the brewing argument. No worries needed, that was Alex anger speaking not Lila. I really hate it when I'm interrupted and right now I'm really in no mood to listen to these two argue.

I watch as they settle back into their chairs and give me their attention again. This is it. Moment of truth. I take a deep breath and prepare to give them the less detailed version of what's going on.

"Well as Casey already knows, when I was thirteen I was abducted by a man named Eric Baldwin, the brother of a man that my father had successfully gotten the death sentence for in a major case. He beat and raped me repeatedly over the course of the year that he had me in captivity. Once I was finally home, my father walked out on my mother, my sister, and I because of the whole case.

Ever since my mid to late teens I've had this…other person inside me, I suppose she's kind of just like an alter ego. She is the vicious, hurt, angry, and beaten part of me that comes out. I guess she has revenge out for the rest of the world. She doesn't come out all the time, just usually at night.

Abbie, when you cornered me in my office, she was threatened and she felt like she needed to come out and defend herself, since I probably wasn't going to do so. And she's been the one who has been harassing Casey. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt either of you, and I'm deeply sorry that the both of you were dragged into my screwed up life." I mumble the last part of my apology and stare at the table once again. I'm ashamed of the things that I have technically done.

After a moment Casey reaches across the table and takes my hand. "I know that you would never actually do anything to hurt me, I just wanted to know why."

"You could have just told us to begin with Alex." Abbie adds in, with sincere softness in her voice. "We would have understood."

"I know I just…haven't exactly come to terms with what happened to me. I've been trying to mentally deny that it ever happened, but Lila doesn't forget. That's who she is, all that pent up rage and hate from my attack. Isn't that stupid? It was twenty three years ago and I still haven't accepted it."

"You were raped Alex, that can't be something that's easy to accept."

Casey's sentence rings in my ears a thousand times. _You were raped Alex. _It's still something that I refuse to believe. I try to blink back a few tears but a few make it past my emotional wall and slowly make the decent down my face. "I-I know." I whisper. We sit in silence as I choke back sobs. I refuse to cry today, I just can't do it.

My breathing finally evens out and I wipe my eyes carefully trying not to damage my make up any further. "I-I'm okay." My voice probably betrays my statement.

"Are you sure you're alright Alex? Do you need anything?" Abbie asks.

I quickly shake my head as I pull myself together. "No, I'm alright. I promise."

If this happens when I talk about what happened to me with my friends, I can't imagine what would happen if I talked to a therapist or a doctor about this. I just don't know what to do anymore. But I can't let Lila break me anymore than she already has.

I'm sitting on my couch, sipping green tea and trying to force myself through some work when I hear a pounding on my door. I grunt and glance at the clock and see that it is almost eight thirty. Who the hell is pounding on my door at eight thirty? I know for a fact the Liv is definitely at work, so it wouldn't be her. Casey doesn't knock like that, and Abbie just let's herself in regardless if I'm here or not.

I am broken out of my pondering daze when the pounding gets louder. I can tell who ever it is outside my door is getting impatient. I scramble off the couch and make my way towards the door. The pounding gets louder as I approach the door and quickly undo the locks.

I swing the door open and my mouth drops open at my visitor. Now _SHE_ is most definitely _not_ the person I expected to be at my door, especially at eight thirty at night. And usually she calls…no scratch that, she never calls about anything.

"Don't stand there with your mouth open like that Alex, you'll catch some flies." She says grinning. My mouth quickly snaps shut and forms into a thin line. She always was one for smartass remarks.

"What are you doing here?" I ask. It isn't that I don't want to see her or anything, but I really do want to know why she's here.

"Usually people start with hi won't you come in. Really? No 'good to see you' or anything like that? I'm wounded Alex." She clutches her heart with her hand and pushes past me into my apartment. I roll my eyes, and proceed to redo the locks. As I walk back into my living room I notice see her already lounging on my spot on the couch. _'Way to make yourself at home.' _ I think to myself.

"You always have a whole bunch of work to do." she says taking note of the files spilled across my coffee table. Shrugging, I plop down on the opposite end of the couch. I draw my knees up to my chest and rest my arms on them.

"Yes, I do. White collar crimes and special victims are completely different. How is that by the way?" I say as she glances at the files once more. She sighs and slumps down into the couch.

"Dealing with sketchy lawyers, cops, doctors and all of the above is getting pretty old. It's like with each case I get, they're getting dumber and dumber."

"So I take it you plan on getting out of there?"

"Totally, but I can't find anything else right now…I feel like 'you know who' keeps refusing to transfer me anywhere. I mean obviously I'm a better prosecutor than he thinks I am." She huffs again. I can't say I understand, I'm right where I wanted to be, and I have been ever since I was assigned to SVU.

I think for a moment and then grin at her, "Well, if Casey ever leaves, you know that you can always come and be my second chair." I say with another toothy grin. My response in return is a glare that definitely and identically matches my own. Thus this being the down side of having a twin sister, she isn't intimidated by my usually frightening looks.

"Hell will freeze over before I sit second chair to you _Lexie_" Addison smirks as she notices the heat rush to my cheeks at my nickname. No one, besides Addy and _maybe _mother, ever calls me that and I HATE it. I hate Lexie almost as much as I hate Alexandra. Why can't I just be Alex?

Addy and I have a pretty good relationship. As identical twins, it was sort of expected of us. While I work as an ADA for SVU, she works over in White Collar crimes and I can tell that she pretty much hates it and is dying for a transfer.

We've been close since we were born despite the time I completely shut her and mom out after my abduction. But we have rebuilt our sisterly relationship and it seems to be stronger than before. I consider Addy my literal 'other half' not the diabolical demon inside me that claims as such.

After a moment of silence my mood turns serious again as I try to read my sister. "Addy, not that I don't love it when we get together and talk like this, but what are you really doing here? And don't say something like 'I can't just visit my sister when I want' because you always say that and nine times out of ten that isn't it." I don't mean it to come out harsh but it might have. I'm not sure.

Addison sighs and runs her fingers through her straight blonde hair that matches my own. "I just wanted to check on you and make sure that you're alright." She says softly. I can see sincerity in her eyes but there is also something else there.

"…there's more isn't there?" I raise my eyebrows and my eyes demand for an honest answer. Addy glances at me then looks away, staring off into the corners of the room. I am able to read her like an open book with blinking neon signs. "Olivia called you didn't she?" I ask my voice just above a whisper.

Addy glances back at me and opens her mouth to respond. I can tell that the words are frozen in her throat, so she closes her mouth and simply nods. I shoot off the couch as if it were on fire and quickly begin pacing my living room.

"I didn't need her to call you." I mumble still pacing. Addy gets off the couch and places her hands on my folded arms to make me stop moving.

"Alex, she called me because she loves you and she's worried about you. Frankly, she was very vague on the situation, but knowing that my baby sister is in pain I had to come."

"You're only older by two minutes…"

"Do not change the subject Alexandra."

I can hear the strictness in her voice and I can tell that Addy is being deadly serious. We lock eyes for a moment before I exhale sharply and storm into the kitchen. My escape however is only short lived because of course she just has to follow me.

"Why are you running from me? Let me help you, just talk to Me." she tries to advance around the island but I move when she moves so we basically end up circling the countertop like wolves stalking each other.

"I can't…I'm handling things just fine, why can't you just see and accept that?!"

"I don't know what exactly is going on, but you are anything BUT fine! You aren't invincible Alex, and you need to stop acting like you need to be! Now Olivia wasn't specific at all when she called me, but does this have to do with Baldwin?"

My visible cringe at the mention of his name gives Addison the answer that she needs. I squeeze my eyes closed and slowly nod my head. It's not like I could've avoided her forever. She's my sister, my twin to be more specific, she just knows things. I couldn't avoid this conversation with her, but I damn well could've tried.

Addy slowly but thoroughly advances around the counter and I let her. She wraps her arms around me and holds me tighter as I thankfully accept her embrace. It isn't like it is when Liv holds me but it's just as good. It's just as protective and heartwarming.

"Alex, I am going to be completely honest with you. I can't imagine what it was like when you were taken, but it was completely hell on our family. We were all worried that we were never going to see you again. Hell, many nights I had wished that he would have taken me instead. And then when you came home but Dad had still walked out on us…it felt like a hammer to the nail that was already in the heart.

You may not have spoken to me or Mom about anything that had happened to you, but it was obvious what he did to you. You were a teenage girl and he was a sick sadistic son of a bitch who had a twisted revenge plot against our father, I know what he did. And it's okay to hurt still; you don't have to be ashamed of still hurting no matter how long ago it was."

"He raped me Addy…" is all I can whisper. It's as if my brain is on autopilot as all of those graphic memories come flooding back. I start trembling in Addy's arms and she slowly sinks to the floor still holding me tight. "H-He did what ever it was he wanted to do to me, whenever he wanted to." I can't help myself from breaking down. My tears come hard and my body violently shakes with sobs as I bury my face into my sister's neck.

"I know sweetie. It's okay to cry." She whispers. She places a kiss on my head and continues to hold me as my sobs seem to worsen instead of subsiding like I had hoped they would.

I continue to cry as I tell Addison anything and everything that is going on. I tell her what happened, I tell her about Lila, I tell her about the things that are happening to me, and I just completely open myself up. For the first time in years I am completely honest and open with my sister, and I actually let my other half, my RIGHTFUL other half, be there for me.

**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter though it was very sad. Leave your thoughts and a review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Think this is another filler chapter. Anyway, hope you enjoy! Happy readings!**

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Alex's POV **

I'm walking to my office one day completely in content with myself. A lot hasn't happened since the day I had my talk with Addy. Okay well I may have had a handful of arguments with Olivia that have consisted of me refusing to go to a therapist. I love her with everything I have, but I really wish she'd just understand what I don't want to see anyone about this.

I think I'm actually progressing since Lila hasn't come out in almost a week and a half. I've felt her in there but I've been able to keep her inside. It scares me a little though because I know her rage is building and I can't imagine what it'd be like if she came out swinging.

I'm almost to my office when I hear voice traveling out of it. I consider going in, but I stop short to listen in on who is in my office before I am, and what exactly they are talking about.

"I've been checking in on her and everything just to see how she's doing and frankly she's still a wreck. She insists that she's fine and can handle it but you know how Alex is." I recognize this voice as my sister. I knew she didn't believe me when I said I could handle this. Obviously she has no faith in me.

The next voice I recognize is Casey's. "Yeah I know. I just don't see how she's going to handle all of this by herself. Did she open up at all?"

"Yeah, she did. I'm really worried about her you know? I know Olivia is doing everything she can, and I'm going to do everything I can to help Alex. She really needs it."

"Well if there's anything that I can do let me know."

They act like I'm a two year old who can't take care of herself. I am more than capable of taking care of myself! I've done it before and I'll do it again if I have to. I roll my eyes before continuing on into my office, acting as if I'm surprised to see them.

"What are you two doing in here?" I ask, immediately taking in the fact the Addy has her feet propped up on my desk. I scowl at her and knock her feet from the desk, but she still refuses to move from my chair. I sigh and shake my yet. "Better yet, how did you get in here." I mumble.

Addy grins and leans back in my chair. "I have my ways. And it's called making a copy of your key that you leave lying around." She says tossing a pen at me. Childish.

Casey giggles at our exchange and shakes her head. "You two are definitely sisters. Don't worry Alex, we weren't causing any trouble, I was just showing Addison this." She holds out her hand for me to inspect the multi diamond encrusted ring on her finger.

I gasp and stare at it in aw. It's beautiful and practically sparkles without and light even hitting it. I can tell that Abbie definitely dropped a huge fortune on it.

"Oh my god it's beautiful! I'm so happy for the both of you! Tell me when…" I start but am cut off by Addy reaching across the desk and snatching Casey's hand staring at it closely.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask, eyeing my sister curiously. She glances up at me and then continues to closely examine Casey's ring.

"I'm checking to make sure the diamonds are real, duh!"

I roll my eyes as Casey laughs nervously. "I don't think Abbie would propose to me with fake diamonds Addy." She says. Addy looks up from her examination and raises her eyebrows.

"Are we talking about the same Abigail Carmichael that won't even buy name brand toilet paper from the grocery store?" she asks. I stifle a laugh. My sister can be such a pain some times. It's a wonder that I put up with it.

"The diamonds are real Addy, I'm sure of it." I say. Addy leans back and props her feet on my desk again and shrugs. "What ever you say."

Casey stares at us glaring at each other for a moment before she stands. "Well aide from that, I think that I'm going to take off soon to start planning things. Weddings of course are never easy to plan and I feel like if I let Abbie plan every thing, we will most definitely be eating off of paper plates and using off brand Styrofoam cups. Anyway, I think I'm actually going to be productive today and get some work done. I'll see you guys later." She says before leaving.

I turn back to Addison and once again knock her feet off my desk. "Will you not do that? You are not at home!" I say. She sighs and reluctantly gets out of my chair allowing me to finally sit at my own desk. "Why are you here, breaking in to my office? Aren't you supposed to be…I don't know…working?" I ask raising an eyebrow.

Addy shakes her head and sits in a chair across from me. "You're not too big on this 'warm welcome' thing are you? For your information smartass, I have the day off, which means that I get to be in the good presence of my sister for as long as I would like." She finishes grinning. I groan and drop my head on my desk.

"If you're going to be here all day then I am sure that I'm going to need a drink or two to get through the day."

"Watch it, you're treading on very thin ice. No worries, I won't be sticking around for long, but just know that I have been given strict orders to kidnap you after work"

I look up from my desk and eye her suspiciously. I'm afraid to ask what it is that she's planning, not that she would tell me anyway, but I still would like to know. Whenever Addy has a plot up her sleeve, I'm always weary on what it is she's planning.

"You're not gonna tell me what it is are you?" I ask hopefully. My mood quickly deflates as she shakes her head firmly.

I sigh and put my head down again. I'm about to come up with a remark for her when my cell phone rings. I send Addy an apologetic smile as I answer my phone.

"Cabot." I listen intently as Amanda rattles off details for a case that they had picked up not too long ago. Apparently they had the guy in custody and his hearing is today. Why I was not informed of this by anyone else I am not sure. I thank Amanda and hang up the phone with another sigh.

"Work related?" Addy asks raising an eyebrow. I remove my glasses and pinch the bridge of my nose trying to will away the minor headache that is coming on. I nod my head slowly. I really don't feel like I have the energy or will to stand in front of a court today, even if it probably is for only fifteen minutes or less.

Addy ahs in understanding and stands from the chair. "Well, I'll leave you to it then. But regardless, I'm still going to be kidnapping you later." She winks at me before exiting my office.

I smile at her retreating form and start putting together the things I know I'm going to need for court. I glance at the file put only skim through to the important parts I'm going to need to make clear to make sure this guy is locked away until a set trial is made. The last thing I need right now is for someone to walk.

* * *

I'm anxiously standing at the podium willing Judge Petrovsky to hurry and finish reading over the last case. I swear, if you're going to be old and feeble like this to where you can hardly see the words across the paper, I think it's time to step down from being a judge.

Finally she puts the paper aside and picks up the next case which I'm positive is mine. It better be mine, if it's not I'm not sure on what I'm going to do. "Ah alright, next case, the People of the state of New York versus Eric Baldwin." She states powerfully.

My heart practically stops beating in my chest and I feel like I am going to pass out. That name…That name that I recognize so well, that same name that still haunts me late at night and keeps me from sleeping. I would know that name anywhere.

Swallowing my fear I slightly turn my head to the left to where the man is standing with his attorney. I don't even have to look at him completely to tell that it's him. It looks as if he has hardly aged a bit. He still has the same slick, jet black hair and those piercing green eyes that are forever etched into my mind.

He gives me a wide toothy grin, and I feel as if my heart is beating a thousand beats per second. I feel as if I'm going to pass out. There is absolutely no way that I can prosecute this case, hell, I can't even do _this! _

For the first time in minutes, I open my mouth but I feel that my throat is completely dry. "Your honor...the…uh…The defendant is under the charges of the rape thirteen year old girls. I'm requesting for remand."

"On what grounds counselor?"

"There was DNA evidence of the defendant found at all three of the crime scenes..." I feel as though my legs have turned to jello and are barely supporting me. I seriously feel like I'm going to pass out.

After a few minutes of going back and forth between me and the defense attorney, my request is fully granted. Petrovsky dismisses us and heads for her quarters. I think for a moment contemplating on a very important decision that I think I am going to make.

I shove everything back into my brief case and move to follow the judge to have a talk with her. Just as I am about to exit, his voice calls out to me. Something inside me freezes and I force myself to look back at him.

"It's nice to see what an amazingly beautiful woman you've turned out to be. I'm looking forward to seeing you again." He says with a deadly calmness. My skin crawls all over as I shake away his words and continue my pursuit of the judge.

I enter Petrovsky's office and find her having a discussion with Arthur Branch. Great, I'm somewhat actually glad that he's here so I can kill two birds with one stone.

"To what do we owe this pleasure counselor?" Petrovsky deadpans. I'm not sure if she is being sarcastic or serious. With this woman, I can never tell.

I glance between her and Branch and take a deep breath before I make my other request. "With all due respect to the both of you, I solely wish to remove myself from this case and request that the entire case be passed on to Casey Novak." I say with as much confidence as I can.

Branch glances at Petrovsky and then at me with raised eyebrows. "And why is that?" he asks.

"I am…unfit to prosecute this case. I also wish to take a leave of absence for a couple of months. Casey can handle all of my cases. She's qualified." I know I am asking a HELL of a lot but after today, I feel like I need to distance myself from work for a while.

The two share looks again and then stare back at me. For as long as the both of them have known me I know they are thoroughly shocked at the fact that I am requesting not only to be removed from a case but for a leave of absence.

"Have you discussed this with Miss Novak?" Branch asks me curiously. I nervously chew on my bottom lips before answering. "She has completely agreed to the idea." I lie.

He nods his head and leans back the chair he is sitting in. "Very well. All of your cases are to be handled by Miss Novak, including this one. You will see to it that all of the necessary files are transferred."

I nod my thanks to him and nod a goodbye to the judge. As I prepare to leave, he calls out to me. "Alexandra, you're tired. Take all the time you need." He says, his voice a lot softer than normal. I give him a half smile and a nod before I exit the judges chambers.

As I'm making my way to my car, I can't help but think of how furious Casey is going to be with me. I know she has a lot to think about what with her getting married and all and I feel more than horrible about dumping everything on her last minute. I have no idea how I'm going to tell her this.

On top of that, I cannot get his face out of my head. There is absolutely no way that I could stand in front of an open courtroom and prosecute my own rapist for other rapes and murders that he has sure to have committed. I just can't do it.

"Stop acting like the weak little girl from twenty three years ago and kill him. Since you won't let me do it, I know that you have it in you." I hear Lila's voice inside my head. I try to shake her away but she keeps whispering dark sickening thoughts into my ear, it's as if she is sitting beside me. I rest my head against the steering wheel and shut my eyes. Shocking for the first time ever, I allow her to take over.

**I know things don't work like that but hey, cut some slack. We aren't lawyers. Anyhow, hope you like this story! Leave a review! **


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:I realize that I have like five pending stories (six of you count the one in the Criminal Minds fandom) but writers block has become like an illness lately, writer's block, and the actual flu. And now that I think about it, I only have co-writers on…two of them. So I'm going to try my hardest this weekend to update as many of them as much as I can. **

**So sorry this one took so long…We both had writer's block. But after several writes and rewrites and even more rewrites, we were able to crank out this chapter. Hope it's enjoyable! Thanks for following, you guys! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Lila's POV **

I am thoroughly surprised that I am seeing day light for the second time ever in my entire life. It's still something that I'm still trying to get used to, but it isn't as if I have all the opportunities in the world to try and do so.

I press my hand to my face and find that it's wet. Obviously Alex was crying before she decided to let me take over. I'm surprised that I actually care enough to say this, but with the turn of events that I just witnessed, I would probably cry too. Well, I would if I was capable of crying.

I start to feel the way I haven't in years, and that is being completely made of anger and rage. After seeing that bastard again after so many years, I feel a whole new sense of hatred towards him and the legal justice system that let him slip away so many years ago.

It isn't until now that I realize that it was too easy to take over this time. Does Alex want me to kill him? Because believe me, I can. I can even make it look like it was an accident. For a woman that has just come face to face with her rapist from over twenty years ago, I think that she handled things pretty well.

But I'm not going to lie and say that I don't want to kill him, because I do. Not for her, but for me. If I kill him, that means I've won. Killing him would probably be all I need to push my goody-goody two shoes half out of my head for good. Then I can be free to live my life however I want to, away from all of _this_. But is that really what I want? Why am I questioning myself all of a sudden? I'm the one that wants to kill him, and if I do I think I would be doing both Alex and I a huge favor.

I decide to spend the rest of the day cooped up in Alex's office since I fear just disappearing would raise to many suspicions. I busy myself with going through her things, phone, emails, and so on. Her life really is boring. You would think she would thank me for bringing a sense of excitement to her boring little life.

Evening dawns and I'm about to make my hasty departure when the sister shows up. Addison and I really haven't had many encounters, but that's sort of a given seeing as I'm usually only around during nightfall. I've only interacted with her a few times, and those times I pretended to be drunk so she would think Alex was just wasted and come to think of it, I pulled it off really well. Now, however, I don't think I can pull that off.

I try my best not to glare at her as she enters and sits down. Do you have any idea of what it's like staring back at something that is basically your reflection? I'll tell you what it's like, it's weird and I don't like it. Maybe I can just do my best to get her to leave and so I can just go on about my business.

"Are you finished working? Because regardless if you are or not, I'm still going to be kidnapping you right now." she says grinning. Well so much for trying to get rid of her. I stare at her for a moment before I decide that she is worthy of a response. I humor her a little.

"And just where do you plan on taking me?" I ask coldly. She eyes me curiously but continues on.

"I told you I had specific instructions to kidnap you. Knowing you lately you wouldn't want to get out and go anywhere, so you need to have some fun."

"And what if I told you that I don't believe in fun?"

"And what if I told you that that doesn't surprise me? C'mon, Abbie and Casey are celebrating their engagement and I promised…" she pauses as if she's thinking, "Two and a half people you'd be there." She finishes.

I raise an eyebrow and rest my chin on my folded hands. "How do you make a promise to half of a person Addison…?"

"Because Abbie and Olivia demanded that I bring you and I promised you, and Serena really needs you to be there for obvious reasons so I sort of promised her too if that makes any sense."

My scowl darkens and I probably growl somewhere in the depths of my throat. Even though I am a crafty escape artist, I know that there is no escaping a persistent sister. I sigh and visibly relax myself, much to Addison's approval. "You're going, now let's go." She says dragging me out of the chair. I sigh again in frustration.

In the parking lot of the office she stops and stares at me intently without saying anything. Frankly I think it's a little more than creepy.

"What?"

"Nothing…are you feeling okay Alex?" she asks her eyes narrowing as she continues to stare at me. The question makes me stomach drop and it makes me wonder if she's on to something, or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

"I'm feeling fine, why do you ask?"

"No reason. I was…just wondering."

Now that was very strange. I'm starting to feel even more paranoia with a dash of panic. I don't like it when people get suspicious around me; it makes me feel like I'm backed into a corner. And being backed into a corner and locked away is something that I am quite familiar with hating.

I just hope I can pull this off for the entire evening. But if I'm back into a corner again, I will come out fighting, and if anyone chooses to stand in my way…then that's just their problem. If this night ends up with me having to hurt someone, then so be it. I have no problem with that, after all, I've done it before and I have absolutely no problem doing it again. After all, it's who I am.

**Probably not the best chapter. Think this was just another filler. Did any of you catch that slight foreshadowing? Mwahahaha. Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Leave a review! **


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Whoo! Two updates back to back! This chapter is a little different but we're hoping you guys don't have any problems with the slight change. Things will return to normal after a while. Hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Normal POV **

Lila reluctantly follows Addy through the crowd of people that occupied the club. She has absolutely no interest in being there, but it's probably something that Alex would do, so she went along with it despite how much she hates it.

Addy can't quite put her finger on it, but she feels like something is slightly off about her sister. She doesn't say anything about it because she doesn't want to tip her off or anything but something is most definitely off about Alex.

As they approach the table Serena Southerlyn waves enthusiastically at them. Addy waves back and Lila simply grunts and rolls her eyes. She knows she should be off doing other things that busying herself with _these_ people.

"We were wondering when the notorious Cabot twins were going to decide to make their grand entrance." Abbie says playfully with her arm draped over Casey's shoulders. Addy simply rolls her eyes and takes a seat next to Serena.

"We would have been here sooner if _Alex _had made it a lot easier to get her out of the office."

All eyes turn to Lila who is still standing glaring at every last one of her surroundings. She turns back and realizes that everyone is staring at her, so she does what is expected of her and takes her seat next to Olivia. As much as she would enjoy harassing Casey all night, Lila knows that it would raise way too many suspicions, especially since Addison is probably already on to something. She'll have to make up for lost time later.

"Hey, I haven't seen much of you lately." Olivia says sweetly as she leans over to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek. Lila growls and puts her hand in between them shoving the detective away.

"Don't kiss me." she says bluntly without making eye contact. Hurt flashes in Olivia's eyes and she sits back in her seat feeling more than deflated.

"Uh…okay, I'm sorry." she murmurs dropping her head a little.

The remaining four at the table try their best to act as if they didn't notice the awkward exchange. All except Addison who continues to eye her sister suspiciously. Alex never acts like this, so something was definitely going on. She decides that she's going to try and collect more evidence before making a confrontation. She doesn't want to drag their friends into the Cabot sisters' cold war if her assumptions are wrong.

Lila internally sighs as the rest of the group starts to engage into an excited conversation. All she wants to do is just get up and leave but once again, it's another restriction. So she settles on ordering herself a glass of vodka in an attempt to tune everyone else out with her fascination for hard liquor.

Later into the evening she's just about finished with her fourth glass when she feels everyone else at the table staring at her. She eyes them suspiciously and rests the glass on the table. "What?"

"Nothing…it's just that you haven't said anything all night." Olivia says concerned. Lila simply shrugs and downs the rest of the glass. She enjoys how the liquid stings her throat on the way down. She can usually take liquor very well, but even now she knows she's probably a little bit tipsy, but she could still pass a sobriety test with flying colors.

"That and the fact that she hates vodka." Addy mumbles so quietly that not even Serena, who is sitting next to her, heard it.

Lila scowls at the rest of them and quickly stands from the table and heads for the restroom praying that none of them follow her. For an unknown reason she's finding it hard to be herself tonight and frankly it's starting to fluster her. She's in the restroom for all of five seconds when she feels a force spin her around and pin her to the wall and she finds herself face to face with Addison.

"I don't know what kind of game you think you're playing but this is going to stop tonight." Addy says through grit teeth. Face to face with what she knows is not Alex she is able to visibly tell that something is most definitely off. Gone are the calm icy blue eyes of her sister and she finds herself staring into cloudy grey ones that are wild and full of anger. To say the least, it actually frightens her a little bit.

Lila scoffs and does her best to shove the other blonde away but finds herself to be unsuccessful. She grits her teeth so hard that she thinks she's going to shatter them in her mouth. She glares hard attempting to intimidate Addy but it does no good.

"Why don't you just fuck off and mind your own damn business? This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I don't care what you think you know, but you're going to stay out of this."

"It concerns me when you start ruining my sister's life. Don't think that I don't know who you are and what you're trying to do because it won't work. I know Alex is in there somewhere and I'll be damned if I let you continue to break her like this."

Lila laughs bitterly and attempts to move again but Addy holds her firmly in place, not the slightest bit amused by her antics. She has to remind herself that it is still Alex's body and any physical harm to Lila would most definitely affect her sister later.

Lila's scowl returns as she realizes that she's not going to be intimidating the eldest Cabot sister. She must be losing her touch. Then again, it was the twin, and she shouldn't really have a reason to be afraid…of Alex.

"Once again, why don't you just fuck off? You seem like a smart woman so I'm going to give you a little bit of leeway, which is something that I don't usually do. Stay out of my way, keep your mouth shut, and you and I won't have any problems. But get in my way, open your mouth and I'll make you pay in ways that you didn't even know were possible. You have no idea who you're dealing with Addison, so do what I said twice already, fuck off."

"I don't know who the hell you think you are or who the hell you think you're talking to like that but you've got the wrong one. Don't get comfortable with this because you aren't going to be around for very much longer. You see _Lila_, in a way, you're just a thought that was simply just anger and hatred that was strong enough to morph into something. But believe me when I say that your days are definitely numbered. Now I'm going to say something, and you're going to listen and you're going to listen well," Addison leans in closer and speaks in a deathly whisper "You better pray that you and I never cross paths again, because if we do, you aren't going to be around any longer." She concludes shoving the other blonde against the wall. Addison knows that she would never really hurt Lila because it would resort to hurting Alex as well, but there's nothing wrong with leaving a powerful threat. And that's just what she did.

Lila glares at her for a moment before she's finally able to push past her and exit the restroom. To say that her ego has been severely wounded would be an understatement. She feels little need to address the rest of the group and she quickly exits the club without so much of a glance to anyone else.

Addy exits the restroom not long after Lila leaves. She returns to her seat at the table and relaxes into her chair. "Alex…wasn't feeling all to well, so she's going to head out…" she mumbles not making eye contact with anyone else. They all sense that there's more to the story, but if it's one thing they all know well it is that you don't dare press on an issue with a Cabot so no one says anything.

Once everyone is leaving later on, Olivia pulls Addison to the side to ask her about Alex's behavior of the night. Addison shoves her hands in her coat pockets and lets out a huff seeing her breath turn to puffs of air in the frozen New York night air.

"Liv, I think you and I both know that Alex wasn't with us tonight." She says raising her eyebrows. The detective eyes her for a moment and then sighs running a hand over her face in realization.

"I should have caught that when she started drinking vodka. The mere thought of vodka or any other type of hard liquor sends Alex in to an on going speech on why she hates it. God I'm such an idiot. Do you know where she went?"

Addy shakes her head and digs into her pocket. Seconds later she pulls out a set of car keys. "I honestly have no clue, but if Alex is ever to make it home by tomorrow morning I think she'd appreciate it if she knew that her baby didn't spend the night in the parking garage by the office." She concludes handing the keys to the detective who nods in understanding.

"You're an amazing girlfriend Liv, and don't doubt Alex's love for you. She's still in there, I promise. C'mon, I'll drop you at Alex's car." The blonde says reassuringly patting Olivia on the arm before they make their departure.

Meanwhile not to far away, Abbie and Casey were sharing their goodnight kisses. "Are you sure that you can't spend the night tonight? Worry about work later." Abbie pleads with her fiancée. Casey smiles and leans into Abbie's embrace.

"If you want to get our wedding planned I have to start taking care of a few things before I take leave. Just think, in a few months, you'll be stuck with me forever."

"Mmmm I think I like the sound of that." Abbie purrs seductively. Casey laughs and lightly smacks her in the arm.

"Get your mind out of the gutter and go home."

"Alright are you sure you don't want me to make sure you get there?"

"Abbie I can find my way home, I'm a grown woman. But thank you for being so caring."

"…Fine. I'll call you to make sure you've made it home okay." She pulls the redhead in for one last passionate kiss before they part and go their separate ways.

Abbie makes her way home the first thing on her mind is to remember to check in on Casey to make sure she's made it home. Casey makes her way home the first thing on her mind being to remember to have a talk with Alex about her leave of absence she's going to need to take to plan her wedding. Neither of the two lovers notice the blonde slinking through the shadows following the unsuspecting redhead to her destination.

**Like I said before, there's a reason that the POV in this story was altered for a little bit. I hope it didn't cause an inconvenience to anyone, but some things are a lot easier to write in third person. Also, a forewarning, the next chapter may quite possibly be the chapter that changes the rating of this story. We aren't sure yet. Anyway, let us know your thoughts. Leave a review! **


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hope you guys will forgive for this chapter. We feel like it isn't the best and I've got the flu and strep…again, so my writings may not be up to par. Once again, my apologies and I hope you like it anyway. Apologies for any errors too.**

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Normal POV **

The whole way back to her apartment, Casey can't shake the feeling that she's being followed. Every now and again she'd find herself glancing over her shoulder to see if anyone's there, but she always finds herself greeted with nothingness. She shakes her head hoping rid herself of paranoia, and force herself to think rationally.

"If there was someone following me, surely I would've noticed by now." she mumbles to herself, slightly laughing at her childish fears. It's only her mind playing tricks on her, there was never anyone there. Or at least that's what she is going to keep telling herself.

Once she makes it to her front door, Casey finds herself struggling to keep her hands from shaking long enough to put her key in the lock. She silently curses her paranoia for disabling her to do such a simple task as to open a door. Opening and closing the door behind her, inside she notices that her apartment is darker than usual. Of course she expected it to be dark, she didn't leave any lights on before she left, but it's a different kind of darkness that she finds herself standing in. It's a dark, but full kind of darkness, as if someone is still watching her.

Casey sighs and moves towards the light switch that is just behind the foyer. Upon flipping the switch she braces herself for something to jump out at her, but she is only met with the familiar emptiness of her home. She sighs again and shakes her head at her foolishness.

Slowly she makes her way to her bedroom and glances around the all too familiar darkness and loneliness. She silently wishes that she had taken Abbie up on her offer on spending the night, or at least she could've tried to talk the brunette into staying over with her, despite the amount of work that she knew needed to be done.

"Maybe I should ask Abbie to come over." Casey mumbles out loud to herself, far too uncomfortable with the unusually heavy emptiness of her apartment. She pulls out her cell phone and starts scrolling through her contacts when a calm sultry voice breaks the heavy silence.

"Don't do that, you and I both know that three is considered to be a crowd." The voice chuckles lightly.

Casey jumps and drops her phone, spinning around to be face to face with the owner of the voice. Under normal circumstances, Casey would be wondering why Alex would be in her apartment. But based on her prior knowledge of things, she knows that these aren't normal circumstances.

"W-what are you…h-how did you…How'd you get in here?"

"I have a key; wouldn't that usually be how a person obtains access to ones home?"

Casey frowns in confusion wondering how exactly Lila would have a key, because she knows for sure she didn't give Alex one. She opens her mouth to ask but snaps it shut when it suddenly dawns on her. She remembers Abbie telling her how she seemed to have misplaced her key to Casey's apartment, and for some odd reason she couldn't find it.

"You have Abbie's key don't you…?" she whispers eyeing the blonde as she slowly starts to back away. Lila smirks and continues to advance upon the frightened attorney, stalking her like a puma would a small antelope.

Lila chuckles enjoying Casey's fear of her and she intends on giving her all the more reasons to fear her. She plans on finishing what she started, without any interruptions or flaws. Right now, there aren't any factors that would potentially get in the way of her getting exactly what she wants.

"This will be a lot easier, and a lot less painful if you don't fight me Casey." Lila says continuing to stalk the redhead around the room. She just wants to get things over with so she can leave and move on to another playmate for the night, but she refuses to give up this time.

Casey can see the wild lust, irritation, and anger mixing in the blonde's grey eyes, and to say that it just simply cares her, would be quite the understatement. She prays that that Lila hasn't noticed that she's slowly inching towards her bat bag that conveniently lie in the chair on the other side of the bedroom by the window. In the back of her mind, Casey knows that there's only very little she can do to Lila with out causing any serious injury to her friend. But she also knows that Alex is probably the equivalent of a thousand and one miles away and Lila has absolutely no problem of trying to take what she wants. Self defense is winning over rationality in Casey's mind.

"Maybe you should leave…Alex wouldn't want you to do this." Casey says nervously trying to engage Alex's sadistic counterpart into a distracting conversation. Fortunately for her, Lila takes the bait.

"Do I look I give the slightest care on what Alex would want? She's not here right now. What matters right now is, are you going to give me what I want, or am I going to have to take it from you?"

"If you are suggesting the offer of me going to bed with you then you are sadly mistaken." Casey replies flatly, her fingers grazing the rubber grip on the end of the steel bat. She grasps it firmly with her hand and hopes that if she can get one good swing in it would be long enough for her to make a break for it.

Lila sighs and steps closer to the redhead. "I had a feeling that you would were going to say something like that. Why can't you just be like the others and give me what I want? It'll make this easier for both you and me. Only a selective few driven me to this. I like you Casey, please don't let me have to add you to that list."

Casey's eyes widen and she feels her mouth go dry. "You mean that you've…you're sick and Alex was right, you are a monster. You need to leave. Now." she says with a s much confidence as she can muster. She sees the anger flash in Lila's eyes, and she knows her time of stalling has run out. As the blonde begins to advance on her, Casey swings her bat as hard as she can given the position she's in. She's feels and hears the bat come into a hard contact with something; she wasn't prepared for it to be a hand.

Lila's reflexes were able to enable her to grip the bat firmly before it came into contact with her face. The impact of the hard steel and her hand made a sickening sound and though she doesn't feel it at the moment, she knows that her hand could possibly be fractured. Alex will definitely feel it later. She growls deep in her throat and snatches that bat away from the shocked attorney.

Casey gulps and does the only thing that the rational part of her mind is telling her to do, she runs, or at least, she tries to. She feels Lila lurch after her and successfully clasp a hand over her mouth.

"I told you not to struggle with me any longer."

**Err, yeah…not a proud chapter. Please Don't jump to conclusions. Leave a POSITIVE review please. Once again, DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS. **


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: This chapter is mainly talking, but hope it's enjoyable. The next, one, and maybe two chapters will be talking, and maybe even flashbacks. Thanks to all those who are keeping up with this story. We love you guys! Sorry for errors! Happy readings! **

**Disclaimer in chapter 1. **

**Normal POV **

Alex wakes up the following day in a foreign environment. She has the all to familiar pounding in her head, and blurred vision, but she is realized to find that she is still clothed. _Maybe Lila didn't do anything too drastic last night. _

She sits up and groans suddenly feeling a harsh pain in her hand. Looking down at it she sees that it's swollen, puffy, and starting to bruise darkly. To say that it just stung, would be a large understatement.

"It's probably broken…I think you should get it looked at."

Alex's head snaps to the side towards the direction of the owner of the voice. She turns and makes eye contact with Casey who is seated on the floor against the wall watching her intently. Glancing around again, she realizes where she is, and then her mind begins to flood with possible outcomes of the night before.

"Did you break my hand?" Alex asks gazing back at her hand, not feeling like she can make eye contact with her friend.

Casey runs a hand through her hair and averts her eyes to the floor. "I guess in a way…you…she was trying to…and the bat I just…I was scared, Alex I am so sorry."

"You don't need to apologized for anything. What happened last night? Did she…"

"You tried…she tried. She passed out right before she was going to. I moved you here, and hoped that you would be, well, you when you woke up. I don't know what I would've done if she had..."

Alex can see that Casey is mentally reliving the events from the night before in her head. She should have known better than to allow Lila to come out, and obviously, she isn't going to stop trying to hurt people like she had hoped.

She opens and closes her mouth several times before she is able to form a complete sentence. "I don't know what to say…I'm really sorry, I should've…I'm sorry."

Casey inhales sharply and hugs her knees tighter, still not comfortable with the blonde's presence, control or no control. She nods her head and looks back up at Alex. "I understand that you have no control over what's going on. But Alex, I think that it's time that you see someone about this. It isn't just me that's been through this. I don't know how many others there have been, but there have been others. And those are just the ones who don't comply. I just…I want to help you…Your sister wants to help you, Liv wants to help you, hell, even Abbie wants to help you and it's because we love you. But we can't do anything if you won't let us. You've been pushing everyone away, and you aren't going to get any better if you keep doing that."

Alex's insides start to contract and she feels a mixture of anger, sadness, fear, and frustration within her. _Why can't they just leave me alone? I can handle this on my own, I just need more time. But how many more times am I going to be able to apologize to Casey for this? It just isn't fair, life just isn't fair. _

_But they're wrong in thinking that I can't do this on my own. They just don't understand all that I've been through, all that I'm going through, and they never will._

She stands and quickly starts pacing, a nervous habit that she's had for as long as she can remember. "I'm trying alright? You just don't understand, no one understands. How am I supposed to let anyone in when none of you understand what it's like to be…"

"A victim Alex, it isn't a curse word, and that's what you are. You aren't made of steel, or glass, or ice like everyone says you are. And we can't understand if you keep shoving everyone away. Okay, me I could understand, but what about your sister and Olivia? The two people who love you more than you can ever imagine? But think about it, don't you think that this is unfair to them too?"

"How is anything unfair to them, or even the rest of you for the matter?"

"How is it unfair? It's unfair because Serena, Abbie and I have to sit back and watch our best friend lose everything that she's ever worked for. Addison has to sit back and watch her sister become something completely different than what she's known and loved all her life, watch her sister become something she knows she's not. And Olivia has to sit back and watch the love of her life destroy herself and destroy her life, watch her crumble and slip through the cracks and not be able to do a damn thing about it because she won't let her in. That's how it's unfair Alex."

Casey's words sting because Alex knows that she's right. She knows that she's been pushing everyone anyway, but she feels like it's not only better for the well being of everyone else around her, but the well being of herself.

Alex exhales sharply and makes eye contact with the redhead who is now standing in front of her with pleading eyes. She feels horrible about what she's about to tell Casey, but she would rather tell her at this moment, than wait and have her find out later.

"Do you know the Baldwin case?" she says, her voice lacking its usual confidence. Casey nods telling her to go on.

"It's him Casey. The man who kidnapped me, the man who…who raped me. I can't prosecute this case. I just…I can't do it when I'm this emotionally attached and emotionally compromised. I'm sorry that I'm springing all of this on you like this, and I hope that you won't be too angry with me…but I'm taking a leave of absence…indefinitely…"

Casey widens her eyes and her mouth actually forms into a perfect 'O' at Alex's sudden admission. Had she been informed about this sooner she would have been okay, but having everything dropped on her suddenly all at once, she wasn't sure that she could take. How is she supposed to carry the workload equivalence for two ADA's? Not to mention she was supposed to be taking leave herself because she's supposed to be getting married. _So much for that idea. _

"I…wow. That's fine; I'll take care of everything. Besides y-you need this. So wait, this is the same man that attacked you all those years ago?"

"He's back on several rape charges, which some how doesn't surprise me. I just…I'm so sorry for this…for attacking you and then dumping everything on you last minute. I know after everything that I've done to you, that I really shouldn't expect this of you. I'm just-I'm sorry."

Casey reaches forward and cautiously rests her had on the other woman's arm in a sign of comfort. She can't say that she understand where Alex is coming from, but she knows that it is probably a difficult and terrifying thing to see your rapist, who still haunts you every single day, show up in the courtroom.

"Please don't apologize anymore. I know it seems like I shouldn't care but I do because you're one of my best friends and I care about you. Just please listen to Liv and Addy, and go see someone? And in I personally think that you should have a talk with your mother…"

Alex looks up quickly and fixes Casey with a confused expression. Talking with her mother hasn't been something that she can say she's done in a while, probably maybe even years. Their relationship had been strained ever since Alex was in her teens and it hadn't seemed to have gotten any better as the years pressed on. Part of her blamed her mother for what had happened.

"Why the hell would I need to talk to my mother? That wouldn't solve anything. In fact, I think it would make things worse." Alex says through clenched teeth as she starts to pace again. Casey sighs as she senses that she's hit a nerve, a very sensitive one at that.

"I just think that it would help to talk with your mom about what's going on, and about getting some counseling."

"I am a grown woman and I do not need my mother to hold my hand through things. Look, I'm sorry for what happened, and I will try to get this under control. And I'm sorry for dumping everything on you like this all of a sudden. Send Abbie my apologies as well." And with that Alex quickly gathers herself and leaves.

Casey stands in the middle of her living room chewing her lip as she contemplates her next move. She knows that what she is about to do is super risky, and will probably cause so many problems, but she thinks that it will be for the best.

She quickly grabs her cell phone and searches through her contacts for the number she's looking for. She finds the contact and presses the screen, causing the phone to dial the number. It rings about four full times, and picks up on the middle of the fifth ring, the sleepy voice on the other end of the phone sounding a little less than inviting.

"_This better be good Novak, waking me up at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday. Abbie not keep you busy enough last night?" _

"I think that should stay between me and Abbie, and not you and your dirty mind. I'm sorry to have disturbed your beauty sleep but I need a favor."

**Hope you enjoyed. Let us know your thoughts, what you think will happen, what you WANT to happen. Leave a review. **


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:A little short, but a Transitional chapter. Hope you guys enjoy! Thanks for sticking with us! Happy readings. **

**Disclaimer in Chapter one. **

**Normal POV**

"I just do not see why you have taken it upon yourself to kidnap me from the solitude of my home. And you're speeding." Alex mumbles glaring outside the passenger window, then glaring at her sister who is shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

"Five miles over the speed limit is not speeding, and if you're going to keep complaining, I'm going to drop you on the side of the road and make you walk back." Addy replies focusing her eyes on the road. She still is a little weary about what she's doing, but because of Casey's phone call that woke her up at dark thirty in the morning with the most insane idea that could ever be thought of. Strangely enough, she felt herself complying with the redhead's idea, so that's why she is currently making the most impossible drive, with the most impossible passenger.

She glances at Alex and then down at her hand which is splinted and bandaged. "What happened to your hand?" she asks turning back to the road once more. Alex shifts uncomfortable and hides her hand in her coat, looking back out the window.

"I fell…" she mumbles, mentally wincing at how pitiful her lie is. Thankfully Addy doesn't press on, and she will probably be forever grateful for it. "Where are we going?"

Addy simply shakes her head and says nothing, what she had been doing for the past thirty minutes when Alex asked her the exact same question. Alex senses her sister's denseness, and huffs and sinks lower into her seat. She hates surprises, and she would think her sister of all people would know that. She thinks for a moment before settling on striking up random conversation.

"Addison you are like the only attorney I know that doesn't drive a Mercedes…" she says amusingly.

Addy smirks and chuckles. "Not true, Casey drives a Lexus. You and Abbie don't make up the entire population of lawyers. My car is sexier than yours, and probably more expensive."

"I hardly doubt an Audi is considered sexier than a Mercedes but I'll let you live this dream. Just like I let you live the dream of you're the older sister."

"That isn't a dream, it's the truth. Do I need to pull out our birth certificates? I'm older than you, and don't you ever forget it. Now stop acting like a baby because we're here." Addy states turning on to the long paved driveway.

Alex recognizes where they are as the larger manor comes into view and she feels her heart drop into the depths of her stomach. At this moment, she can't explain how much she wishes to choke her sister within an inch of her life. She's positive that she's paled at least three shades more than she already is.

Addy glances over at Alex's expression and grimaces. She knows that it probably will backfire on her big time that she's done this, but once again her conscience is telling her that she's done the right thing. But she knows for a fact that her twin disagrees. She pulls up in front of the house and waits for the fireworks to go off.

"What the fuck are we doing here? Take me home. Now."

"Alex c'mon, can you please cooperate with me for once in your life? Please?"

"Addison I mean it, take me home, or I will fight you for your keys right now."

Addy purses her lips into a thin line and executes the signature Cabot glare, a glare that would make even the strongest of criminals wet themselves. She quickly gets out of the car, slamming the door, as she storms to the other side. She yanks open the Alex's door and folds her arms.

"Get out of the car. We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is you complying like a good girl and getting out of the car. The hard way is me yanking you out of this car by your hair and dragging you up those steps. You have three seconds to decide before I decide for you Alexandra. And trust me, my way will not be the way that would be more accommodating to you." she says sternly.

Alex glares at her for a moment before she exits the car. She knows for a fact that Addy does not give empty threats and she would rather not dragged anywhere by her hair. She watches as her sister closes the car door and the two advance up the steps of the mansion.

Addy rings the doorbell and turns to her glaring sister who looks like she is turning red with angry.

"Look, I know that this may not have been the best idea…it wasn't mine actually. But this might be good for you. Just, try to cooperate, okay?" she begs. Alex simply glares at her again and turns her head, feeling deceived and betrayed.

After a few seconds, a small elderly woman carrying a duster and some cleaner answers the door and greets them both with a warm smile. Addy returns her smile while Alex mutters something incoherent and turns away.

"Addison! It's always lovely to see you darling. And I see that you have convinced Alexandra to join you in your visit. Come in, come, come." The woman steps aside and the two sisters enter the house. One a little more reluctant than the other.

Addy takes in her surroundings before turning back to the woman. "It's always good to see you Maddie. Tell me, is mother in?" she asks. Maddie nods and begins dusting random areas out of habit.

"Yes, she is. She's in the family room." She replies leading their way and smiling at Alex in particular. "It's been so long since I've seen you. It seems like you've hardly even changed."

Alex rolls her eyes, "You see my sister. We look the same. It's close enough." She says flatly. Addy shakes her head and grabs her sisters arm beckoning for her to follow the maid.

"Can you be anything but rude?" she whispers sharply in Alex's ear. Alex shoves her off and rolls her eyes again not in the mood to be lectured by her sister.

Maddie leads them into the family room where they are greeted by a pair of hands clutching a newspaper in a chair opposite from them. Maddie clears her throat addressing the figure behind the paper. "Your daughters are here to see you." she says sweetly putting emphasis on _daughters_ where it is usually just daughter.

Victoria Cabot puts down her newspaper and stares at the trio before her, her mouth slightly agape at seeing that her technical youngest has finally decided to pay a visit. She folds the paper and stands from her chair walking over to them.

"Thank you Maddie." She says thanking the maid who nods and goes to proceed about her cleanings.

Victoria steps forward and pulls Addy into a hug first, knowing that it's going to be the easiest of the task. "It's so good to see you Addison." She says as she pulls way.

"It's good to see you too Mom." Addy replies smiling. Victoria turns towards Alex and moves to embrace her as well but the youngest Cabot takes a full step back and narrows her eyes.

"Mother." Alex says flatly.

Addy internally sighs and she runs a hand through her hair. She knew that Alex would act a like never would she have thought that her sister would turn down right Ice Queen on their mother. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. _

**Short. But a filler. Leave your thoughts! Leave a review! **


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Sorry this took so long, some really important things have come up and I've found my life is going to be changing very soon. Anyway here's a new chapter. Sorry for errors. Hope you guys like it. **

**Disclaimer in Chapter one. **

**Normal POV **

Alex glares hard at her mother and she knows both Victoria and Addy can feel her anger radiating off of her. She knew when the first pulled into the drive way that this was going to be a bad idea. Part of her conscience, MOST of her conscience had hoped that Addison would realize that it was in fact a horrid idea to drag her back into their childhood home.

At the time it had taken both girls and their mother forever to come with reasons why their father had left them with almost everything when he walked out. It seemed that all her cared to take with him was his pride and reputation, never once caring about leaving everything behind including a wife and two daughters. Victoria, having kept her husbands last name, has accepted and moved past the separation of their family all those years ago. Many times Addison still wonders what kind of father walks out on his family, and frankly to say the least it still confuses her, but she has let her anger fade. Alex, however, still harbors an internal rage for both of her parents. She blames both of them for what had happened to her, for her getting taken and not found with in the span of a year, a whole 365 days. She will never forgive her father for abandoning them when all of them needed them most, and doing everything he can to protect is high end golden reputation. And she will never forgive her mother for seemingly doing so little to stop him, and doing absolutely nothing to fix things. She just can't forgive, she won't forgive.

Victoria sighs and moves to glance out the large window overlooking the backyard. She stares for a moment before she takes a deep breath and turns back to her daughters.

"Alexandra, I really wish that that I could understand why you treat me this way." Her voice laced with exhaustion and sadness.

Alex grinds her teeth together so hard that she swears that she can them scraping against each other. "Like you deserve to be treated like a mother." She spits out of pure anger. Addy's jaw jobs and her head snaps towards her sister.

"Alex!"

"What? It's the truth. She doesn't deserve to be treated like a mother, let alone be called one. And I refuse to stand here and pretend that she does." The last of her statement is more spoken directly at her mother rather than in response to her sister.

Pain flashes in Victoria's and for the second time in her life she feels like a complete failure as a mother, and over something that she couldn't control, much less know what the problem is all together. She opens her mouth to respond but Alex cuts her off.

"Don't you dare even try to act like you don't know what you've done because it's pretty fucking obvious. I should expect something like this from you, you who is a woman who cannot think on her own and needs someone to lead her around like a lost dog. That's why you have Addison right? The only reason you have her is to remind yourself, no, lie to yourself about how good of a mother you think you are."

Addy is shocked by Alex's outbursts and she feels that that is just the small part of it. "Alex that's enough, don't talk to her like that." Addy pleads with her angry twin. Victoria senses a break in Alex's upcoming rant and she interjects while she knows she can.

"It is you who has isolated me from your life. I have Addison because she seems to be the only daughter that I have left. She comes and visits me, she tells me things about her life, I know what's going on with her. You on the other hand have completely closed me off, and I just do not know what I did to make you so angry with me, but whatever it is, I am sorry."

"And why should I accept any kind of apology that you offer me? In fact you don't even know what you did so what good is an apology to me? It is Dad's fault that I was taken all those years ago by a man who mind you showed up in my courtroom the other day. But it was your fault that you let Dad walk out on us. You didn't even fight for the right to hold your family together, and you let him go about with this massive cover up and just for him to keep his reputation. And it still shows because you kept his last name. People hear the name Cabot and they automatically think that we are a powerful wealthy high class family but no one will ever know the truth."

Victoria can see that Alex is red with anger and that she probably means every word that she has thrown out. She opens her mouth to respond when Alex cuts her off yet again.

"I don't want to hear anything that you have to say, I never wanted to come here, and trust me, you probably will not be seeing me again." And with that, Alex storms from the family room leaving Addison and Victoria staring after her.

Addy watches Alex's retreating form and then turns back to her mother who has tears forming in her eyes. Addy takes a deep breathe and decides she needs to voice her reason for bringing her sister along.

"Alex is sick Mom." She blurts out before anyone else can get another hurtful word in. She admits that it probably wasn't the best way to come out and say it, but it needed to be said. "She's sick and she needs help and she won't get it. I'm not a doctor, but I think she's still suffering from severe PTSD and it's caused some sort of personality disorder and there are times when she doesn't act like herself. But she refuses to see someone about it. Her friends don't know what to do. Her girlfriend doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. She's my sister, and its killing me that I can't help her. What do I do?" Addy finds her own tears swelling in her eyes as she pours out everything that's going on.

Victoria sits down on the couch and motions for her daughter to do the same. She heaves a great sigh and looks at her oldest, seeing the sadness and exhaustion across her face. "Ever since the two of you were young I've done my best to be a good mother, but with what has happened, it seems that I have failed you both and I hope that the both of you can eventually forgive me." she pauses to wipe the stray tears from her eyes and continues on. "I knew that Alexandra was troubled by her behavior as she continued to grow up. But I continued to lie to myself and say that everything was going to be alright. And when your father left I just…I didn't know what to do other than anything that he asked me. I am so sorry that I wasn't…that I'm not the mother that the two of you need me to be." She concludes.

Addy shifts over and wraps her arms around her mother. She knows that Alex didn't mean any of the harsh things that she said, that it was just her pain and anger lashing out, and she hopes there mother knows as well. She feels her mother start to tremble in her arms and she pulls away to look at her.

"Mom, are you alright?" she asks softly.

The elder blonde looks at her and opens and closes her mouth several times before she's able to form a coherent sentence. "There is something I have to tell you, and I need you to promise me that you will tell your sister the same." She whispers. Addy nervously nods her head and listens intently on what her mother has to say.

Addy is informed twenty minutes later by Maddie that her sister is in the garden. She exits to the garden, her eyes red from crying, and finds her sister pacing among the various flowers and other types of vegetation. Flashbacks flood her mind of when she and Alex would play games of tag and hide and go seek in this vary garden. She remembers there mother reading them stories in the evening even after their father had said to come inside. Just as quickly as the flashback comes, reality sets in and she finds herself angrily stalking towards her sister.

"I cannot believe you spoke to her that way. She is our mother." She hisses harshly as she tries to keep her tears from falling. Alex stops pacing and stares hard at Addy feeling fresh rage surge through her.

"She might be your mother but she is certainly not mine." Alex says curtly pushing past Addy and making her way back to the car. Addy digs out her keys and sighs hoping that this isn't the beginning of the end.

The drive back into the city is a quiet one and they had only been driving for about ten minutes in silence when Addy finally pulls over to the side of the road and shuts the car off. She grips the steering wheel staring hard out the window on to the vacant road.

"She's dying Alexandra…She's dying, and you just spoke to her like she is the lowest scum of the earth. When she has done anything and everything to try to get you to love her. I know, I've been the one whose been there when you haven't. All she can ever do is talk about you, so never once can you tell me that she doesn't love you because she does. You say that she isn't a good mother, but would a bad mother care as much as she does? She has been so patient with you, she still IS patient with you, and you treat her like this because you are still angry. And you have every right to be angry. A man took you away from your family and he raped you. I do not know what that's like but you can be angry about that. It's okay. What you do not need to do, is walk into that house and disrespect your mother…_OUR_ mother, who is dying, when all she has done is love you.

And do you know what I think? I think that this isn't really you because the Alex I know would never say any of those things that you have said today. I think that this…this thing living inside you is starting to take over your life and you're becoming weak enough to let it. Do you even know what this monster inside of you was going to do to Casey? How would you feel if you had no control over raping your best friend? It's ruining your life and you aren't doing anything. I know you're scared, we're all scared, but you have to fight this. My sister doesn't give up, but where is that sister?"

Alex feels like she's going to throw up and she rests her head against the window. She hadn't realized that she was letting Lila spill over into her life, and that she was becoming the very thing she was trying to get rid of. She suddenly feels guilty for saying all the horrible things she said earlier, especially since she had been informed that her mother is dying. She hadn't realized she had given up so easily.

"I don't want to do this by myself." Her whisper is so soft that Addy first thought that she had imagined it. Addy reaches over and grasps her hand tightly silently reassuring her that everything will be okay.

"You won't have to. You're staying with me tonight, and tomorrow, I'm going to take you to talk to someone, okay?" she says softly. Alex closes her eyes and nods, feeling all the guilt come rushing back of everything that she's let happen.

**I admit not my best chapter, but I hope you guys like it. Leave a review. **


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Not gonna say much about this chapter, but I think it is a must read. Hope you guys like it. **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Normal POV **

"I know that I have done some things in my life that I regret, and I know that those are the things I know that I can never fix. Hell, they're probably even things that I can never make up and apologize for. I will forever live with the guilt from the pain that I've caused everyone, and I just don't know how to express how sorry I am to all of you.

Ever since I was a child I have known that my parents always expected the best of me and when our family fell a part, I felt like it was my fault. It was my own fault that I was kidnapped, it was my own fault that my father walked out on my family, it was my own fault that I have built myself into a habit of pushing everyone away. Ever since my teens I have blamed myself for the complete implosion of my life and the lives of those around me. But after awhile, I became too angry with just holding the blame inside and I began to push it on others, specifically my own mother. I felt like she wasn't the mother that I needed her to be. That mothers were supposed to be there for their children and keep them from making mistakes that they'll definitely regret later in life. I felt like that she just didn't get to me in time and that my downfall was in fact her fault because she wasn't there. But now that I know she is dying, my stupid idiotic subconscious has let me see far too late that none of this was her fault, and there is absolutely no way for me to make up the twenty plus years of the disrespect, the hatred, the resentment I have felt for my own mother, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I know that in the process of my anger and my confusion I have pushed away not only my family but my friends as well, and I hope that some day that I can be forgiven for such a drastically stupid mistake. I have always had a fear of imperfection, and when I realized that I am imperfect, tainted with the ruins of a dreadful past, I began to shove anyone and everyone out of my life. I honestly don't deserve to have people love me, for I have done the things that seem to be most unforgivable in any kind of relationship; I've shut everyone out. I've shut everyone out for so long, I don't know how to let anyone back in and it scares me, it scares me a lot. I am the kind of woman that needs to always have control, and when I lose control, I begin to implode on myself. Now I am left lying in the crumpled heap of debris that used to be Alexandra Cabot and I can honestly say for once in my life, I don't know how to dig my way out of this apocalyptic mess. For once in my life, I don't know how to get back up fighting. I've fallen down and I don't know if there is anyway to build me back up.

Serena, sweetie we've been best friends for as long as I can remember and it feels like that we have been through almost everything together from random club crusades when we were in college, to crying over bad break ups (no offense Abbie), to just sitting and talking and reminding each other why we are best friends. And it kills me to realize that I have never been completely honest with you about what was going on in my life. As a best friend, you had a right to know, and I should have had the decency to tell you what was going on, but I was in fact still denying it myself. I'm sure that you know what has happened by now, and I cannot express how truly sorry I am for keeping things from you. You probably will never trust me again, and that is something that I can understand, hell, I don't even trust me anymore. I couldn't tell you what was going on because I was scared, we had known each other for so long, I just felt like I needed to have at least one person in my life look at me like I was still me, but now that I think about it, it may have not been the right choice. I feel like I've damaged our friendship and for that, I am sorry.

Casey, I cannot express how much that I feel like I owe you one of the largest apologies that is ever to be known on this entire planet. I don't even know where to start from my apologies so I just I can start from the beginning. When we first started working together, I am going to be honest; I really didn't like you, in fact, I think at some point I borderline hated you. It wasn't because of anything that you did but because I felt like you were a threat. I finally saw someone who wasn't afraid to stand up to me. Not only did you take my bullshit, but sometimes you took it and actually threw it back at me, and that is something that I will always admire in you, your daring confidence. Over the course of that time I can honestly say that you've become one of my closest friends and I'm sorry that you were thrown into the hellish spectrums that are my screwed up life. Why you have remained there for me when most people would have left, I will never understand, but thank you for being there. I can't express enough how sorry I am for the things that has happened.

Abbie…Abbie, Abbie, Abbie…where to begin with you. Obviously I'm drawing several different paths, but I'm thinking that's a good thing. In addition to Casey and Serena you are another person who does not and will not stand for any of my crap. Sometimes I think you're actually daring me to say something just so you can prove me wrong and make me retract my claws and come down from my high horse. You're hard on me almost all the time but I've discovered it's because you care. I remember once that Serena told me you are only really hard on someone if you truly care about them, so I guess I am just one of the people that has the luxury of being able to be called your friend. I've learned so many things from you, though with your southern colloquialisms I might have learned more than I'll ever continue to remember. You are an amazing friend and I just want to thank you for continuing to put up with me. Also, congratulations once again on finally popping the question, I know that Casey was on edge waiting for you to ask. And just know that we did check out the diamond to find that is in fact real. And get that look off your face because you and I both know how cheap you can be, but we do the things we do out of love.

Olivia, god I don't even know where I can begin with you. After years of dancing around each other one of us, that being you, finally made the bold step up and asked the other out. And ever since that first date I found myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you. I know that I have tried to push you away, but you continue to bounce right back and position yourself in the center of my life. God, some times I don't even feel like I deserve to have a woman like you to love me. I love you so much that it hurts, and all I can ever think about is how much pain it has probably caused the both of us with my behavior lately. Please know that my love for you extends past my physical being and that I love you deeply with everything that I have, and I hope that neither of us will ever forget that undying love that we have for each other. You've always been there with me, even when I try to shut you out, and I must say again that I definitely do not deserve you, but I am grateful, gifted to have you and I just can't even form into words how that makes me feel inside to know that you definitely love me as much as I love you.

Addison, big sis, yes look at that I've actually recognized that you're older than me. You're my puzzle piece, my other half, my twin, my duplicate, you're my sister and I love you to death. I know that we might not agree on several things, but it's because we're sisters, and since when do siblings ever agreed? But anyway, I know that we might not agree on several things but we do love each other and I know that we value our relationship and hold it very dear to our hearts. I can remember clearly how we always drove any teacher we had up a wall because we were able to outsmart them. Now that I think about it, it was actually pretty comical, like the time we made our fourth grade math teacher cry. Anyway, you're the ideal sister than anyone could ever ask for and I am thankful that I'm the lucky one that got you nonetheless, even if you are a little irritating at times. You correct me when I'm wrong, and you've always looked out for me and I will forever love you because of that.

I don't know what else I can do to attempt to explain myself further. I suppose I've done all I can with this. I know that it doesn't seem like me to run from my problems but right now, it's the only thing that actually makes sense in my mind among the other twisted and screwed up things that are going on. I feel like that there isn't any doctor or any other type of medical physician that cane help me. Like I said, I hate it when I lose control and I have a stunning fear of imperfection, and those combined are secure reasons for why I've done what I've done. I don't know when I'll be back, or if I'm coming back at all, hell right now I don't even know where I'm going but I just needed all of you to know that I love you all so much and that I'm so sorry for putting you all through this. With out me here, all of your lives will probably be so much easier because you can no longer count on me. Once again, I'm sorry.

With all my love, Alex"

Addy finishes reading the letter that she found that morning and looks up at Abbie, Casey, Olivia and Serena who are all scattered in various seats around her living room all wearing the same expression: fear, shock, and anguish. Addy lets out a strangled sob as the cleanly and neatly written letter slips from her fingers.

"She's gone…and I don't know how to find her."

**Hope you guys enjoyed. Leave a review? **


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: This is a filler chapter, but it'll hopefully get the point across. Thanks for the support! Happy readings! **

**Disclaimer in chapter one. **

**Normal POV **

"You mean…she just left?" Serena asks still a little overwhelmed by finding everything out at once.

Addy sighs and draws her knees to her chest. "She left this letter along with a note that instructed me to call all of you over here before I read it. She was gone when I woke up this morning, so I honestly couldn't tell you when she left."

"Has anyone tried to call her?" Abbie suggests after a brief silence. When she doesn't receive a response she digs out her phone and dials Alex's number hoping that she'll get an answer.

A feint ringing is heard from somewhere in another room and Addy springs to her feet to head in the direction of the noise. She returns a few moments later holding Alex's discarded cell phone in her hand.

"She left her phone…she really doesn't want to be found." She states sadly as she puts the phone on the coffee table. There is even more silence when another phone goes off.

"Babe, your phone." Abbie says poking Casey in the side to bring her back from where she was zoning out. Casey glances down at the caller idea and utters a quick 'excuse me' before she goes into the kitchen to take the phone call.

All attention is then turned to the quiet detective who hasn't seemed to have said one word since Alex's letter had been read. Olivia finds herself so deep in thought, that she doesn't even comprehend her friends trying to get her attention. She's only jerked out of her thoughts when she feels a hand rest on her shoulder. She turns and is met with Abbie giving her a look of concern.

"We'll find her Liv, don't worry too much…"

"And how do you suppose we find her? She's hurting, she's scared, and well all know better than anyone that she's unstable. And you heard her in that letter, she said she's not sure if she'll be coming back. What if she never comes back? And what if she gets hurt out there where ever she is? How are we supposed to help if we have absolutely no kind of leads on where she could be? I should have been there for her more. I should've-"she tries to continue but is cut off by Serena's firmness.

"Olivia stop…this is in no way your fault. None of us could have known that Alex was going to leave. Don't think about all the negative things that could happen, think about what we're going to do to find her."

Olivia opens her mouth to respond when she's stopped by Casey reentering the living room. The redhead looks paler than usual and immediately everyone can tell that something's wrong. Abbie moves from her seat and wraps her arms around her fiancée who seems to be in shock.

"Baby what's wrong?"

Casey opens and closes her mouth several times. She feels her mouth keep going try and finds it extremely hard to form a coherent sentence. Finally, she's able to weakly form words despite her still dry throat.

"T-that was Liz. She called me to tell me that about three hours ago Alex went to her office with a letter of resignation…she hasn't heard from her since then."

Now it is definitely confirmed that not only is Alex not being herself, but she really doesn't want any of them looking for her. She doesn't want be found. If anyone had told any of them women in the room that Alexandra Cabot would hand in her own letter of resignation, they would have all referred said person to a psychiatrist.

Addison is the first to speak up after Casey's dismantling news. "You mean…she just quit her job?"

"You should know Liz better than any of us in, so you know that she didn't just let Alex quit. But Alex did leave the letter with her and refused to discuss the matter any longer. Liz says she didn't mention on whether or not she was going anywhere. She was just worried about Alex so she called me."

For probably the third time, there is more silence in the room. A group of the most decorated and intelligent women in the entire city for once have no idea what to do to bring back their loved one.

* * *

"Nonstop flight 1435 to Dallas Lovefield Airport in Dallas Texas is now boarding." The pilot repeats over the intercom for probably the third time in five minutes.

The sound of his voice only vaguely registers in Alex's mind. In fact, all of the sounds around her have been reduced to a low hum as she is so deep with in her own thoughts. She stares hard out the window wondering if Addison has read her letter yet.

She had been tossing and turning so much in her sleep that she spontaneously made the mind blowing decision to get out of New York, and for some reason, she didn't want anyone to try and stop her. For hours she sat up all night writing and rewriting a letter to her loved ones on why she can't stay any longer. She just hopes that all of them will understand.

She then wonders if Liz is actually going to accept her letter of resignation. Theirs is a tiny part of her that hopes she will, but Alex isn't a fool and she knows for a fact that Elizabeth Donnelly isn't just going to let her waltz right into her office and try to resign especially if she isn't given an explanation. Maybe it is best that Liz holds off for a while.

_**"It's best that you're gone. None of them will miss you. In fact, I know all of them are celebrating your disappearance." **_

Alex has been trying for the past ten hours to ignore the sadistic demonic voice in her head that sounds like her own. She wonders why Lila has just been talking instead of trying to take over her life like she usually does. After a while, she finally decides mentally respond to her twisted counterpart.

_"Don't say that, but I did need to leave. All I was doing was hurting people. It really is best that I'm gone, maybe I shouldn't think about going back." _

_**"And that you shouldn't. Why would you need any of them when you've got me? Aren't I better company than that whiny detective or your annoying ass sister? Or what about the blonde bimbo you call a best friend who can't stop pinning over that incompetent Texan and your naïve excuse for a second chair? What have any of them ever done for you other than cause you migraines?" **_

_"Don't talk about them like that! They love me unconditionally. They love me despite me having my issues, especially with you. And I have decided to leave because they are all better off without me causing problems in their lives." _

_**"And you think because of that they'll think you love them? Please Alex, you're even more oblivious than you look. How long was it before they all abandoned you? Before they all realized how 'off the rails' you really are? How long before Abbie just got tired of dealing with you and Casey succeeded past you? How long before Serena found a new best friend, and Addison left you behind? How long before Olivia was going to break up with you? See, all of them would have left eventually and you know that I am right. Me, I'll never leave. I'm always going to be a part of you whether you want me to or not Alex. You can't get rid of me."**_

_"They wouldn't have left…they were trying to help me and I wouldn't let them. Don't you try and pin this on them…" _

"_**You are even more naïve than Casey you realize that? It's obvious what would have happened if you had stayed. And I told you, what progress would you have made if you had listened to any of them? I'll tell you what would have happened, you would have talked to some fancy doctor with a stick up their ass and they would have sent you away to some sort of psych ward, because I already told you that I'm not going anywhere. Is listening to a group of women who obviously care nothing about you really worth staying in a mental institution? Because let me tell you something honey, all five of those women who say 'love you' only care about their reputation? Honestly, who would want to associate themselves with Alexandra Cabot, the fallen attorney who was consumed by her own mind? If I was them I know I wouldn't. But then again, I'm not them. Stop being so dependent on other people." **_

_ "I'm not dependent on other people! I'm just trying to stop you from attempting to destroy my life by taking over. I don't need you, I am more than capable of living and functioning on my own. Nothing you do is making me any better. All you do is hurt people, and that's all your going to continue to do. You don't care." _

_**"Alex sweetie, just listen to me for once in your miserable life. I'm doing you a favor. But if you want to continue to deny that, so be it. All I can do is sit here and wait for you to destroy yourself on your own." **_

Alex is snapped from her internal conversation by the woman next to her grabbing her attention.

"Ma'am are you alright?" the woman asks noticing how Alex had been focusing on one spot out the window for probably them past fifteen minutes since they boarded.

Alex snaps away from the window and looks at the blonde woman who is giving her a concerned look. She smiles nervously and glances down at her lap as she unconsciously begins to play with her fingers. "Y-yeah…I'm okay. I was just thinking…that's all." she responds softly.

The woman can tell how Alex's tone of voice has betrayed her statement of being okay, but she doesn't want to try to pry the stranger into talking. "Are you sure you're alright? You seem a little out of it. You've been staring blankly out the window for probably the past ten minutes."

A small feint smile crosses Alex's lips. She finds it semi touching that a stranger would actually come off to be so concerned about whether or not she's alright. Not many strangers actually care enough to ask you know? "Do you ever just need to get away from everything? Just…get away from all of the drama in your life? I'm Alex by the way."

The woman returns Alex smile, feeling slightly victorious for getting the quiet woman to respond. "Jennifer, and yeah I understand what it's like. Sometimes I just can't find to escape though. But I get what you mean."

Alex smiles again and something shiny between the seat catches her line of sight. She briefly glances down between them and notices the badge that is clipped to the other woman's belt.

"Are you a cop, I couldn't help but notice your badge."

"FBI actually. That's why I'm heading to Texas. I was in New York on different business when my team got a call for a case. I'm flying down to meet them there. What is it you do Alex?"

"I'm a lawyer. Assistant district attorney to be more accurate."

Jennifer pauses for a moment questioning her next move. "Just out of curiosity, you wouldn't happen to be Alex Cabot would you?" she asks quizzically. Her grin widens when she sees the skeptical look Alex is giving her instead of a response. "I'm in New York quite frequently on business and I've heard quite a lot about you. You're obviously a damn good lawyer from what I've heard."

Alex chuckles and relaxes back in her seat. Liz sure wasn't joking when she said word of what you do gets around fast if you're good at it. She smiles at Jennifer flattered by the comment.

"So if you don't mind me asking, why are you on a flight to Texas? Being an ADA, aren't you constantly busy?" Jennifer asks after a brief silence.

Alex sighs once more and something within her allows her to be honest, at least, as honest as she'll let herself be. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers for some reason.

"I feel like…that I'm becoming a burden to the people in my normal life, I just needed to get away from it all. Even if it means that I'm leaving behind the ones that I love. It's better for them that way."

**Mainly just a filler. Everything will get better soon enough trust me. Leave your thoughts guys. Anything you guys want to happen or would like to see, please don't hesitate to let me know. And if anyone is looking for a buddy to write a story with, I'm all open for anyone willing. Co-writing is fun, so fill free to PM me if you're interested! Anyway I really wanna thank you guys for following and reviewing, it really means a lot! **


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: Hope you guys like this chapter. I feel like it was a little rushed, so I apologize for the mistakes and everything. There'll be more on Alex in the next chapter, I promise. And as per request from someone, they wanted a bit of an angsty Olivia, so here's the start of that as well. Happy readings! **

Olivia's heart did a slight leap as she heard the clicking of heels making their way towards the squad room, but she visibly deflated when she realized that it was only just Casey probably coming to update them on the news of the trial. She heaved an irritated sigh and let her head drop heavily on her desk.

Elliot looked over at his partner with deep concern. He was ninety nine percent sure that the reason for Olivia's latest exhaustion and slight depression was the unannounced disappearance of their head ADA. He hadn't known anything about the situation, and Olivia still refused to tell him details. All Elliot knew was that Alex had made the spontaneous decision to leave, nothing more.

They detectives in the squad room all turned towards the doorway upon the entrance of their remaining ADA. It was evident that Casey looked as exhausted as the rest of the detectives in the unit, but everyone could say that it was probably all for different reasons.

Casey sighed quietly and gently rested her hand on Olivia's shoulder, slightly startling the brunette from her spacious state. She grinned in apology and leaned against the desk before she quietly spoke.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, causing Olivia to shake her head and rest it in her hands.

"Case, do you really need to ask that question?"

"Right…I'm sorry. As much as I wish I had come for a social call, I came to tell you that we need to go over your testimony for the…Baldwin case…" Casey's hesitation was evident on the last part of her sentence, spiking the attention of the rest of the detectives.

Olivia's eyes darkened in anger and rage and everyone in the room could see it in her eyes. She was beginning to think that maybe it wasn't going to be a very good idea to go on the stand in front of the man responsible for destroying the love of her life. If anything, that man was the very reason that Alex had left, and Olivia put every last inch of the blame on him. She feared if she saw him again, she'd kill him.

Casey completely understood where the detective was coming from, but she needed her testimony of the arrest if they were even going to have a shot at winning the case. She hated to ask that of Olivia, but it was what she needed to have in order to successfully do her job.

"Can you just come by my office later? I'll try to make it quick, I promise." She offered softly.

Olivia snorted humorlessly and refused to make eye contact with the attorney. "You drove all the over here just to tell me we needed to go over my testimony? You could have called…" she mumbled bitterly.

"I also wanted to check on you. We're worried about you Liv." Casey responded softly trying not to let Olivia's bitterness get to her.

Olivia stood up abruptly and pushed past Casey, making her way towards the break room. "I don't need anyone to look after me." was faintly heard as she disappeared.

Elliot looked at the retreating form of his partner and then at Casey who was nervously chewing her lip. He knew that Olivia was upset and dealing with Alex's disappearance pretty hard, but he had never seen her act that way towards anyone, especially Casey.

"I'll go talk to her, and make sure she stops by your office later." He said as he got up to follow Olivia. Casey nodded and bid the rest of the squad good day before she departed back towards the DA's office.

Upon entering the break room, Elliot found Olivia staring hard at the wall as if she were holding back tears and deep within her own thoughts. He gently rested his hand on her shoulder to get her attention but retracted when she flinched away.

"You okay?" he asked softly, hoping for but not exactly expecting a response. And lack of an answer was just what he got. The silence of the break room enabled them to hear everything from the light hum from the refrigerator to the slight gurgle of the coffee machine. That is until Elliot sighed and continued speaking.

"I know that you've had a lot going on lately. And I just want you to know that you can come talk to me about anything. I know this probably has to do with Alex but if you-"

"Shut up. I don't need to talk about anything, and I'm not going to talk about anything. I had assumed you were listening when I made it pretty clear to Casey, I don't need a babysitter." She spat angrily staring him in the face.

Elliot threw his hands up in surrender and actually took a step back. He had seen Olivia angry on several occasions but it was only specials scenarios that he ever saw her be in the mood that she was in. It actually scared him a little bit.

"No one is trying to baby sit you, they want to help you. And I just think if you opened up, it'd make you feel better."

"Don't you tell me what will and wont make me feel better. If I wanted to talk, I would, and its obvious that I don't, so why don't you, Casey, and everyone else just fuck off." And with that she shoved the man hard out of the way and exited the break room, leaving a very confused Elliot in her wake.

She exited the precinct and walked until she found and empty ally way. Leaning against the wall, Olivia buried her face in her hands and let her frustration tears fall. She wished deeply that instead of running away, Alex would have just came to her. She felt like she had failed Alex as a best friend, and a lover.

Casey made a face as she made her way back to her office and found Alex's door open and the light on. She was beginning to think that it was Liz just going through some things like she had a tendency to do.

She was however shocked when she stepped into the doorway and saw the Alex duplicate sitting at the desk, twirling a pen around her fingers. She furrowed her brows as the blonde looked up at her with a smirk, obviously enjoying her confused expression.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, wondering just that.

Addison smirked some more and leaned back in the chair. "I'm your hired help for lack of a better term. Liz felt that SVU is far busier than white collar and she felt the unit was going to fold with the absence of one of their ADA's, so that's where I came in. I'm only here temporarily, until…" she trailed off remembering her sister's absence.

Casey understood and took a seat in one of the chairs across from the desk. "So I take it you haven't heard from her?" she asked. Addy simply shook her head in response.

"I called Mother and asked if Alex had said anything to her about leaving or anything. She said that she hadn't. I don't know why I even called, I should have known better." She sighed.

"How is your mother?" Casey asked remembering the mention of her being ill on a little over a few occasions.

"She's…managing, for lack of a better term. I don't know exactly how I would deal if she dies, especially with Alex gone right now. I'm just so worried about the both of them, you know?"

"All of this must be hard on you right now. I'm so sorry." Casey offered sincerely. "Alex's disappearance is hard on a lot of us too. Especially Olivia…"

"How is she doing? She's not answering any of my phone calls."

"Yeah, yours, mine, Abbie's, Serena's. She's just completely shut herself off. I was just at the precinct and you could tell that her depression is getting worse each day."

Addy hummed in response, and was about to say something else when Alex's secretary cautiously stepped into the doorway. "Um, Miss Novak, Miss Cabot, Miss Donnelly would like to see the both of you in her office." The young girl stated.

"Right now?" Casey whined not wanting to deal with Liz so soon in her day.

The secretary nodded her confirmation. "Right now." she stated again before going back to her desk.

Casey groaned and sunk in the seat. Addy laughed and rolled her eyes as she walked around the desk. "C'mon Novak, you know how Lizzie gets when we keep her waiting." She said heading out of the office.

"Yeah, you just better not let her know that you call her Lizzie behind her back." The two laughed as they made their way to Liz's office, both grateful for the moment of humor to bring up their fallen spirits.

**Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. Leave a review!**


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